Why I'm NOT Going To "Do It All"

A year ago today I published a post on the question of "Where do you see yourself?"  In that post, I essentially detailed my vocation - to be a wife and mother - and how so many people, including persons I know personally and respect, fail to understand why I can't "do it all."  They may applaud my goal to have as many children as possible, but they raise doubts about the economic feasibility or my own personal level of fulfillment if I don't have a career plus children.  And some of their points may be valid.  Economic feasibility is definitely a concern for anyone in this day and age, but my husband and I trust that God will provide as we need so long as we are following His plan.  When we were preparing for marriage, our priest asked if we would have children, even if money was tight.  And the answer was a resounding yes.  Any children that God sends our way are an immense blessing, and as long as we accept that blessing with joy, gratitude, and responsibility, He's not going to let them starve.  Sure, we might have to cut back on other things - dates; movies; organic food; etc.  But never do we want to let our personal financial habits and lifestyle to be something that stands between us and another child.

Over the past year, my husband and I have faced struggles of various sorts, as every couple does, but I firmly believe that our marriage is stronger and grows stronger each day because we work together.  We communicate our thoughts, our needs, our goals, and our dreams.  We tackle major decisions with discussion, reason, and compromise.  And most importantly, we support each other.  16 months of marriage isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, and I look forward to many, many, many years to come; however, in those 16 months, we've repeatedly been blessed with God's grace, love, and guidance as we tackled each seemingly insurmountable issue that came our way.  By no means are we perfect, but I have full faith and trust that together we will follow God's path and build a fulfilling, successful marriage, one that will hopefully be a testament and model to our children.

And speaking of children, here's the main reason for today's post's title - our daughter is due in a few short months.  Every day we get closer to seeing her face and holding her in our arms, and I grow more confident that my decision to stay home and raise her (and our future children) is the right one.  I am not here to disparage the families where both spouses need to work, for whatever reason.  I realize that economic circumstances are not always within our control.  And that every family is different.  But I do know that for me and my sisters, my mom's decision to stay home full time and homeschool when I was just finishing 2nd grade was one of the BEST decisions she and my dad ever made.  

I want to give my daughter everything that she really needs.  And she doesn't need the best clothes or all the toys or fancy vacations.  She needs my love and attention.  She needs my example, and that of my husband, in how to act, how to love God, and how to pursue her relationship with God.  She needs our love and support and encouragement on a daily basis.  She doesn't need to be raised by strangers because her parents don't feel like staying home.  We are truly blessed that we can afford to live on a single income - a tight budget, most definitely, but the sacrifices to that budget pale in comparison to the reward of giving our daughter what she really needs.

And that is why I'm not going to "do it all."  I don't need a career to be fulfilled.  I have one already.  I'm a wife and a mother.  Sure, maybe I'll work from home part time - especially if it's a flexible schedule that works around what my family's immediate needs are.  Extra income for the future is always nice.  But it's not necessary.  My responsibility and obligation are to my family, to my vocation, to my husband, and to my daughter.  They come first.  Not some career.  They deserve my full attention and energy and love.  And if I stretch myself too thin by trying to "do it all", they are the ones that will truly suffer.

So yeah, society doesn't really understand my decision at all.  Several of my old professors and employers don't really understand it either - they support it, which is nice . . . but even now, they still question "Why can't you do it all?"  They say, "You've got a great job.  It's an easy job.  We can make accommodations for your daughter."  And my response is that it may be an easy job.  The work itself is enjoyable.  But the strain of a full-time career is already wearing on me, and I'm just pregnant.  I spend the first 11-12 hours of my day on this career, and my vocation as a wife and mother suffers.  Because then I have 4 hours in the evening to do everything else that I want to be doing as the wife, the mother, the heart of the household - cooking; cleaning; laundry; shopping.  And taking care of my husband.  Making sure that his needs are met.  And that I'm doing what I should for my growing child - which is insanely difficult when I'm out of the house 12 hours of the day.  And the only reason I am sacrificing my time and energy for my husband and child right now is because we discussed it and decided that it is what's best for our family in this moment.  To work and save towards the future as much as possible until our darling daughter is born.

I may be physically capable of "doing it all," but I cannot do it all well.  And I refuse to sacrifice my family for a career.

O Baby!

I realize it's been quite a while since my last post, and I haven't been keeping up with my resolution to post at least once a week . . . for oh, the last six months or so.  But here's why . . . you see, pregnant.  With a beautiful baby girl, who we'll call Calamity Jane in these posts.  And between pregnancy and work and all the other things in life that keep marching on, this blog has taken a back burner.  And will likely continue to do so for quite a while.

But I wanted to take a moment and comment on the beauty of God's grace and how I would not be this far along with this pregnancy and this peaceful about ALL THE THINGS if it wasn't for His grace working in me and through the people around me.  I have always known (or at least for the past twenty years or so) that my vocation is a wife and mother.  The first year of marriage (which was incredible, full of growth and love) was also met with some impatience and disappointment . . . because as much as I wanted to, we didn't get pregnant immediately.  It took a good ten months, but thank goodness for God's timing.  He really does know EXACTLY what we need and when, regardless of what we may have in mind.  Turns out those ten months were a Godsend for many reasons, and I know my marriage is a million times stronger facing this new change in our lives than if we'd gotten pregnant right away.

And then in July we found out we were pregnant with our little bundle of joy, and we couldn't have been more thrilled!  Sure, there were stresses and new things to consider . . . bills; work; doctors; delivery; baby stuff.  You know . . . life with a baby on the way.  And every day I thank God for my amazing husband who has been so incredible these past six months, comforting me when I'm freaking out about anything and everything, soothing away the nightmares, supporting me and reassuring me that everything will work out when insurance and money seem to be acting against me, and just being there as an incredible rock.  I am so very blessed, and so is Calamity, to have this man in my life.  And I know he's going to make an incredible father.

And then God works through our family and their support, encouragement, and excitement.  When I'm feeling exhausted, or sore, or just so ready to be done being pregnant, I remember how excited my sisters are about being aunts or how the grandparents were overjoyed (and still are) at the thought of a new baby!  And the first grandbaby on either side . . . lots of pressure, right? ;)  But honestly, I am eternally grateful for their love and support.  And advice.  Lots of advice.  But all given with love and taken gladly.  And my friends, my dearest, closest friends who have been there for me through thick and thin.  They have been a Godsend as well . . . truly angels on earth for me.  Whether I'm super excited, or anxious, or nervous, or scared, or done with the day, or impatient, or happy . . . they always know what to say.  And I know God's grace is what brought these wonderful people into my life.

And so it's by God's grace that I pray to be a good mother and wife, to fulfill my duties and obligations well, to shower love upon this child and many more to come, and to raise them in the Catholic faith with the help of my husband as we solemnly take on the duty of leading their souls to Heaven.  What an awesome responsibility, and with God's help, we will do our very best.

Bloom Where You're Planted

Do you ever get that nagging feeling that something is missing?  Or the little green monster pops up unexpectedly at the worst times and reminds you of all that you're missing?  He compares your meager and measly life to the thriving ones of your friends and family, convincing you that you're never going to achieve your dreams and that life is just a drag - well, a drag for you anyways.

Believe you me, I'm well aware of how quickly and deeply that little voice pierces your soul.  And you catch yourself focusing on all the things you don't have yet and may never have rather than on all the blessings in your life.  There's a saying: "Bloom where you're planted."  And honestly, that's the answer to your jealousy and sorrow.  For better or worse, God has placed you where you are right now for a reason - maybe to test you; maybe to prepare you for trials ahead; maybe to give you blessings you don't even realize.  And that little monster talking about YOUR dreams and YOUR wishes?  He's trying to turn your attention away from God's plan for your life and make you focus solely on your own idea of what should be happening.  And then making you feel like crap when that isn't the reality.

Of course, blooming where you're planted doesn't mean you shouldn't be working towards those dreams as long as you aren't trying to go against God's plan.  And knowing what that plan is . . . well, that's a tricky business.  But if you pay attention, He'll show you.  Blooming where you're planted often means making the best of the situation you're in . . . focusing on the positive and learning the lessons you need to learn.  And oftentimes, being stuck in a situation far from your ultimate dream can help you discern what that dream really should be.

Your life isn't going to change with a snap of your fingers.  You have to make it change.  And if you keep trying and trying and hitting roadblock after roadblock, then either you're not trying hard enough or God is perhaps giving you a sign that you should try a different path.  Or maybe the devil is working against you.  Regardless, with discernment and reliance on God, you can figure out your path in life (at least for a few years down the road) and can then set about adjusting your present to prepare for the future you want.  If you want something, you're going to have to work for it.  The hard part is figuring out how.

Catching Up

It's been three weeks since my last post . . . I guess I failed with my "once a week post" resolution.  But that's ok.  I can get back up and start again.  Plus, I'm pretty sure that taking time off to study for the Multi-State Bar Exam is a valid reason for forgetting things like weekly blog posts.

Speaking of the exam, I have absolutely no idea how it went.  Nor do I particularly care.  Obviously, it would be nice if I passed.  But my ability to practice law is not a deciding factor in my future.  Even if my husband and I decide to start our own firm, we only need one licensed attorney (and he's already got that.)  I can help with the work without being licensed, as long as he is the one with final say.  Besides, we've got our whole life ahead of us . . . and God only knows where He's leading us.

The past two weeks I've been home studying/out of town taking the exam.  And they've been heavenly . . . even with all the studying.  It was a nice confirmation that my ultimate vocation is truly as a wife and mother (hopefully).  Whether that's near or far in the future, I know that's where God's leading me.  And that makes getting through today and the present much easier.  Because there must be something He's trying to teach me or show me where I'm at right now - if I would but open my eyes and see.  

Lent begins today (Ash Wednesday), which means it's time for Catholics to renew their New Year's Resolutions. ;)  In all seriousness, I really love that the Church gives us this period of time to sacrifice and work on ourselves and our relationship with God, keeping our earthly life and our heavenly goal in perspective.  And one of my Lenten works is trying to focus on the good in each situation rather than complaining about all the little, annoying rubs.  With God's help, I'll be able to find joy in my daily sacrifices and draw closer to Him.

May you all have a blessed Lent!

Letting Go

It's been a crazy week.  Classes started, so I'm up to my ears in lesson plans.  Bar prep is in FULL SWING, which means at least 50 multiple choice questions every day - should be more.  And life still goes on, which means chores and laundry (my husband fixed the washer!) and teaching piano and ALL the things.  All of which to say . . . I haven't had time or energy to come up with a new post this week.  But don't worry.  I won't leave you hanging.  This is a re-post from my old blog on letting go and dealing with emotions etc.  Particularly apt for myself right now, so I thought I'd share it with you all.

There are several ways to deal with anger, frustration, sorrow and the like.  Some people retaliate with force and sweep a path of destruction.  Some people crumble to the ground and bemoan their trials.  And some people don't seem affected at all.  These last often take the most dangerous approach to trouble.  They force their emotions aside as they deal with the problem at hand rationally.  While it is extremely useful to have a level head when dealing with trials, it can also be extremely dangerous if you never release your emotions.  I've seen first hand how burying your true emotions beneath layers of sturdy masks can damage and sometimes ruin relationships with everyone around you.  If you don't deal with the entire problem, you may fall in to the trap of developing a sub-conscious grudge that will grow and grow until you can't stop it.  But I also know how hard it is for these same people to let go of their control and just allow the emotions to take their course.  So here's my advice:

1.  Keeping a strong face in the midst of trials can be a good thing, especially if you have other people leaning on you for support.  Everyone falling to pieces solves nothing.  Just be careful of how many people you try to care for.  If you are a generous and loving person, it's often hard to say no or to even realize when you should.  You have to remember that in order to help them, you must also help yourself.  If that means taking 5 minutes or 5 days away from everyone else who leans on you, then so be it.  You don't want them to become annoying ticks rather than the friends and family you truly want to help and support.

2.  When you do take time for yourself, find an outlet.  Get the emotions out so that they don't continue to build up inside your heart.  I find an outlet through my writing.  Or talking to a very close friend.  Remember that a true friendship has give and take.  You rely on each other.  Just make sure that you deal with the emotions and your own pain in a timely fashion.  If you allow it to build up for too long, you often either forget it or become too overwhelmed.

3.  Be aware that the sorrows of your past (unless dealt with properly) will probably encroach on your future.  Some trial that you pushed aside years ago may suddenly resurface with vehemence.  So please face your trials.  Don't use comforting others as an excuse to hide once more behind the mask.  You needn't face them alone.  You can always find someone to help you, even if you can't see them.

Basically, don't bury your emotions and forget about them.  Push them aside if the present case calls for it, but don't forget to pull them back in and find closure regarding whatever the issues may be.  And if you have buried issues in your past, figure out how to solve them.  Do whatever you can to ensure that your heart is no longer a potentially hazardous waiting zone for grudges and thoughts of revenge or depression.  Seek out the light, and you will find it sooner or later.

The Presence of Grace

It's been an eventful first week of marriage.  To those of you expecting Ireland honeymoon photos, please be patient.  That honeymoon got postponed until later this year.  But let me start at the beginning.

I married my amazing husband 11 days ago, and every day since then has been utterly blessed.  The Tridentine Rite wedding ceremony is simply beautiful and filled with prayers and preparation for married life.  Followed by a Sung High Mass, everything was absolutely perfect.  The entire day went smoothly, and I know God's grace was helping in that area.

The day after the wedding, my husband and I were packing for our honeymoon to Ireland when I received a phone call from my father.  My paternal grandfather had just passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack.  I fully believe it was God's grace that let me know before I was halfway around the world.  And it was God's grace that revived my grandfather after he was declared dead so that he could say goodbye to my grandmother.

Needless to say, I was in shock.  He was the first grandparent I lost, and I didn't quite know what to do.  Part of me felt we should dutifully go on the honeymoon we had booked, but my amazing husband took one look at me and said "We're cancelling the honeymoon."  In a matter of minutes, he had called the airline, explained the circumstances, and got them to allow us to reschedule our flight for later in the year.  Shortly thereafter, I had cancelled all of the reservations and rentals (and received full refunds, even from the people who wouldn't normally give out a refund).  I was truly touched at how kind and understanding the people I worked with were.

Since we already had the week off from work, we took a roundabout drive to get to the funeral - including a few awesome stops along the way.  I got to meet my friends' new baby (born on my wedding day), show my husband Christendom College (where I went to undergrad), and visit his hometown.  And throughout it all, he was kind, warm, and supportive.  And again, God's grace allowed us the exact time we needed to visit all of the places and meet all the people - it was an incredible trip to take with my husband as we jaunted back into our individual histories.

When we finally arrived at the funeral, I was ready to grieve.  And I'm so grateful that my husband encouraged and supported me to go to the funeral instead of Ireland.  I gained such closure and comfort from actually being there.  And more stories of grace - cousins making flights they should have missed; siblings surviving missing school; family coming together in love and support.  Seeing all of my dad's family together was a moving and wonderful sight.

After the funeral, we celebrated my grandfather's life in true family fashion - a loud, wonderful, crazy get-together at his old camp.  My husband soared far above my expectations and fit right in with my family.  We taught him to shoot a bow and arrow and how to play cards with my great uncles, and he filled our hearts and ears with joy from his fiddle.  My grandmother kept saying over and over how blessed she felt to have that music and how lucky I was to have found such a wonderful and good husband.  And she's right.

Our journey home was relatively uneventful, and we even got to stop and visit with his parents as well.  And, due to our early arrival, God gave me enough time to get our house in order before going back to work.  

I'll miss my grandfather, but I know it was God's timing and God's grace that planned out the events of the last weeks.  

How Feminism Destroyed the Traditional Family

"We swapped a society where women could be full-time mothers--a role many found fulfilling and satisfying--for one that fuels consumerism and clogs our roads with second cars on the drive to school, where spoiled children, buried under mountains of toys they can't be bothered to play with, watch suggestive TV shows in their lonely bedrooms. And we have this partly because the equality feminists forced us to believe that motherhood was parasitic, the housewife a leech." ~ James Tooley

There are so many things wrong with society today . . . enough to write multiple volumes . . . but don't worry.  I won't try to cram all of them into a single post.  I was reading back through old papers from my college days, and I ran across the quote above in a paper I wrote on how the mass entrance of women into the workforce during WWII coupled with the rise of radical feminism accounts for a large part of why our modern society is so messed up.  This post is the short version.

Women entering the workforce en masse in WWII helped the American economy stay afloat while our men were off fighting.  In no way is this a condemnation or a sneer at their gallant efforts.  In fact, the number of women in the workforce "rose from 14,600,000 in 1941 to 19,370,000 in 1944." Allan M. Winkler, Home Front U.S.A.: America During World War II.  These women in the workforce were a great aid during WWII as they filled the empty jobs left by the men called to be soldiers.  Furthermore, the women who worked during WWII still understood that their most important role was as wife and mother, and society as a whole supported this understanding.  "When the period of postwar adjustment comes, and their men come home . . . you will see women returning naturally to their homes."  Allan M. Winkler, Home Front U.S.A.: America During World War II.

During the war, the Children's Bureau worried that "group care for children under two would cause 'slower mental development, social ineptness, weakened initiative, and damage to the child's capacity . . . to form satisfactory relationships.'"  Allan M. Winkler, Home Front U.S.A.  Society understood at the time that "[b]abies need not to be taught a trade, but to be introduced to a world. To put the matter shortly, woman is general shut up in a house with a human being at the time when he asks all the questions that there are, and some that there aren't."  G. K. Chesterton, What's Wrong With the World.  The majority of women gladly and willingly returned to their hearth and home and family. 

Sadly, there were women who resented their expulsion from the workforce at the end of WWII, which built up over the next few decades and eventually ruptured into the Women's Liberation Movement, a movement that desired total equality of men and women in society, and many of the changes desired were just and good.  However, what these equity feminists failed to realize were the "real and obvious differences between men and women."  Walter J. Schu, The Splendor of Love.  They failed to recognize what society knew it needed to survive - that "Man was created and equipped to provide for and to protect his family--his wife and children.  Woman was created to bear and nurture the children."  Dee Jepsen, Women: Beyond Equal Rights.  These feminists treated the mother's role as parasitic and fought tooth and nail for equality in the workforce, defending their office "with all the fierceness of domesticity."  G. K. Chesterton, What's Wrong With the World.  At the root, these feminists sought to overthrow the norms of society and essentially become men, completely losing sight of their own unique, special, and necessary role in the home as wife and mother.  

As women rejected the home and obstinately remained in the workforce, their children left the home to be taken care of by others.  This resulted in a decline in the intellect and morality of each successive generation (as evidenced today by the state of marriage; the rise of divorce; abortion; morality; etc.).  If women do not raise their children, the family life and morality will suffer a permanent decline.  As women fought to demonstrate they could do it all, men lost their motivation to provide and protect their women.  The advocate of the single, working mother was the enemy of the traditional family.  When women were told they could do it all without a man, the men were listening too.  And this is what they heard: "Men aren't necessary. Women can do it alone.  Women and children are usually better off without men.  Breadwinning oppresses women and children.  Marriage and breadwinning can be hard.  Why do it, if you are only oppressing the ones you love?" Maggie Gallagher.  

As women rejected the family in pursuit of their career, they also rejected their children, which led to the rise in abortion and the use of birth control.  Feminists painted children as feminism's "biggest enemies."  Kate O'Beirne, Women Who Make the World Worse.  They argued that "the battle of the sexes can't be won unless women make war on the tiniest enemies of their independence."  Id.  These radical feminists view abortion rights as a necessity because they believe that the unique gift of being able to conceive, bear, and give birth to new human beings is merely a symbol of the inferiority of women to men.  They refuse to acknowledge that without women bearing and raising children, society would collapse.  "Children need their mothers.  Children need time with their mothers.  The bonding and emotional ties that develop between them affect children's personalities, attitudes, and values--greatly influencing the shaping of their character."  Dee Jepsen, Women: Beyond Equal Rights.  The mother has the most influence over the children during their most impressionable years, and yet the radical feminists managed to take that beautiful and noble role and twist it into something to be despised and feared.

In our modern society, where the traditional family is constantly attacked and abused, it is our duty to return to the roots of a traditional family.  To build up the women who are mothers and wives in our life.  To praise the role of mother and emphasize the immense responsibility and honor that role brings.  And similarly, we need to raise up the men who are fathers and husbands.  To encourage them in their providing for their families.  To praise them for their devotion and protection.  And to the children, we owe this debt.  To raise them in a world where the family is respected and revered.  Where a mother can choose to stay at home with her children without being questioned by society at large.  Where a father can support his family on a sole income and not receive flack from society for letting his wife stay at home with their children.

Four Years Later

“The greatest saints, those richest in grace and virtue will be the most assiduous in praying to the most Blessed Virgin, looking up to her as the perfect model to imitate and as a powerful helper to assist them.”
--Saint Louis Marie de Montfort

It's been four years since my last post.  Law school doesn't really cater to posts on raising children and preparing for a family.  But that's about to change.  I'm blessed to be marrying the love of my life in just 52 days (yes, I have a countdown), and I am so excited to see where God leads us on our path as a family.  I look forward with anticipation to the many, many, many children with which we hope God blesses us.  The thought of running a household, meal planning, and fulfilling my vocation to be a wife and mother thrills me and fills my heart with joy.  And, as my mother has often told me, pursue the things that give you joy.

In an effort to resurrect this blog (and give my brain a chance to exercise its creative outlet), I'm committing to at least one post a week.  Developing that habit may take time . . . and I'll probably slip up from time to time.  But I've been learning over the past few months that developing a good habit is always a good goal, and we just have to keep going and trying.  The true success is not the one who does not fail but the one who gets up when they have fallen.  And since this blog is a confessions of a type, it will ramble across the days of my life . . . from recipes I've tried to struggles I'm facing to glimpses into my little family life.

To anyone who chooses to follow this life of mine, I extend my thanks.  I hope not to bore you, and aspire to inspire or encourage you.  This is my journal.  The record of my life as a wife and mother.  To all mothers out there, I commend you for your task is of the utmost necessity and worthy of the greatest respect.  To families out there, I urge you to stay together.  To fight against our modern age of divorce, separation, and sorrow.  It isn't easy . . . believe you me, I'm well aware.  But good things become that much more precious when we struggle to attain them.