Sit Still; Look Pretty

Does it ever scare you how distorted modern music makes relationships sound?  That all men are selfish pigs.  That all girls are simply put upon and used.  That romance means a quick tumble in the backseat.  That love means a pretty girl and a hot guy.  I find it hard to listen to the radio these days (for many reasons), but chiefly because the lyrics depress me.  And they disguise their subversive message in upbeat, happy tunes - like "Sit Still, Look Pretty".  A fun tune to listen to . . . but the lyrics?

You get off on your 9 to 5

Dream of picket fences and trophy wives

But no, I'm never gonna be 'cause I don't wanna be

No, I don't wanna sit still look pretty

The refrain makes a marriage sound like a death sentence for the women.  That their sole purpose is to make their husbands look good.  And the subliminal message, at least to me?  Women who choose to stay at home and care for their families with their picket fences are being used and essentially suffering from some kind of Stockholm syndrome.  

That Snow White

She did right

In her life

Had 7 men to do the chores

'Cause that's not what a lady's for

And then this!   As if women somehow feel entitled to have a man do EVERYTHING for them while they sit around ruling the world and doing whatever they want.  How have we lost the understanding that responsibility and a shared partnership in marriage is what it's really about?  That marriage isn't simply "the only thing a boy's gonna give a girl for free's captivity" . . . but that it's a beautiful example of self-sacrifice?  Or at least it's supposed to be.

I'm never gonna be that girl
Who's living in a Barbie world

. . . . . 
This queen don't need a king

. . . . .  
But this gal right here's gonna rule the world

Now, I understand that not every girl is as girly as I am . . . that we have different personalities and likes and dislikes etc.  And granted, Barbie definitely gave a skewed view of the world as well.  But not needing a king?  That's simply not true.  And I'm not advocating that every woman needs to get married.  Absolutely not.  There are definitely women who are called to the religious life or to the single life.  But in that case?  Their king is God alone.  And in a marriage?  The relationship between the husband and wife is meant to mirror that between Christ and the Church.  Wives are called to submit to their husbands - not to rule the world.  I mean, have you met women?  We're awesome at organization and love and brainstorming . . . but we also tend to think with our hearts first, which could have disastrous effects on a nationwide level.  Because in business and economics and politics, logic should come first.  Even if it feels awful.  And men are just better at that in general . . . at least, they used to be before society emphasized being in tune with their emotions so much that we wound up with a bunch of boys who can't handle adult responsibility.  And then women swooped in to take over and fix things.  And we've got the mess we have today.  And yes, I'm aware there's a lot more nuance to that story . . . but that's the topic for another day.

So what's the bottom line?  Other than the fact that these lyrics and all others like them really piss me off?  Marriage is a partnership.  It's a union of self-sacrifice and giving for the other.  It's helping each other get to Heaven.  It's not a phenomenon where the woman is constantly downtrodden and used as an object.  And it's not a situation where the man is constantly overruled by the woman and made to feel inferior and incompetent.  It's a union where the two become one and they use their individual skills and abilities and gifts together to create a firm foundation and a solid example for their children and the world.  At least that's my two cents on the matter.

The Presence of Grace

It's been an eventful first week of marriage.  To those of you expecting Ireland honeymoon photos, please be patient.  That honeymoon got postponed until later this year.  But let me start at the beginning.

I married my amazing husband 11 days ago, and every day since then has been utterly blessed.  The Tridentine Rite wedding ceremony is simply beautiful and filled with prayers and preparation for married life.  Followed by a Sung High Mass, everything was absolutely perfect.  The entire day went smoothly, and I know God's grace was helping in that area.

The day after the wedding, my husband and I were packing for our honeymoon to Ireland when I received a phone call from my father.  My paternal grandfather had just passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack.  I fully believe it was God's grace that let me know before I was halfway around the world.  And it was God's grace that revived my grandfather after he was declared dead so that he could say goodbye to my grandmother.

Needless to say, I was in shock.  He was the first grandparent I lost, and I didn't quite know what to do.  Part of me felt we should dutifully go on the honeymoon we had booked, but my amazing husband took one look at me and said "We're cancelling the honeymoon."  In a matter of minutes, he had called the airline, explained the circumstances, and got them to allow us to reschedule our flight for later in the year.  Shortly thereafter, I had cancelled all of the reservations and rentals (and received full refunds, even from the people who wouldn't normally give out a refund).  I was truly touched at how kind and understanding the people I worked with were.

Since we already had the week off from work, we took a roundabout drive to get to the funeral - including a few awesome stops along the way.  I got to meet my friends' new baby (born on my wedding day), show my husband Christendom College (where I went to undergrad), and visit his hometown.  And throughout it all, he was kind, warm, and supportive.  And again, God's grace allowed us the exact time we needed to visit all of the places and meet all the people - it was an incredible trip to take with my husband as we jaunted back into our individual histories.

When we finally arrived at the funeral, I was ready to grieve.  And I'm so grateful that my husband encouraged and supported me to go to the funeral instead of Ireland.  I gained such closure and comfort from actually being there.  And more stories of grace - cousins making flights they should have missed; siblings surviving missing school; family coming together in love and support.  Seeing all of my dad's family together was a moving and wonderful sight.

After the funeral, we celebrated my grandfather's life in true family fashion - a loud, wonderful, crazy get-together at his old camp.  My husband soared far above my expectations and fit right in with my family.  We taught him to shoot a bow and arrow and how to play cards with my great uncles, and he filled our hearts and ears with joy from his fiddle.  My grandmother kept saying over and over how blessed she felt to have that music and how lucky I was to have found such a wonderful and good husband.  And she's right.

Our journey home was relatively uneventful, and we even got to stop and visit with his parents as well.  And, due to our early arrival, God gave me enough time to get our house in order before going back to work.  

I'll miss my grandfather, but I know it was God's timing and God's grace that planned out the events of the last weeks.  

A Sewing Experiment

By the time you're reading this post, I'll be blissfully enjoying my honeymoon in Ireland (and yes, there will be a post about my adventures there when I return).  In the meantime, I'm sharing my wedding dress experience . . . the good, the bad, and the ultimate triumph.

The Dress

I found my dream dress at a little boutique shop in South Florida . . . there aren't very many wedding dress shops on the west coast of Florida, and I didn't want to drive all the way to Miami or Tampa to go shopping.  So I was extremely blessed to find my dress at the first shop I went to.

I initially thought I wanted a dress that was all lace with a slight mermaid/A-line feel.  As you can see, I ended up with a more ballgown-esque dress . . . but as soon as I tried it on, I knew it was the one!  I loved all of the lace detailing (which I intend to use when I create baptismal gowns for my future children).  I also knew that the dress would need a few alterations: raise the neckline; add wider straps; bustle points; taken in at the sides.

The Alterations: Part One

A dear friend of mine offered to have a tailor friend of hers make a custom-tailored jacket for the ceremony (in a Catholic wedding in the Tridentine Rite, shoulders and back must be covered, and the bust line must be modest.)  Her tailor also took in the dress on the side, so it fit much better.  He also attempted to do the bustle points necessary; however, I ended up taking them out and redoing them myself.  

Here's why.  Her tailor used hook & eye clasps that didn't really blend with the dress and weren't very strong.  I bought some ivory buttons at JoAnn's and used the spaghetti straps from the dress to make the loops.  It took a few tries to get the bustle points in the right place . . . especially since I was trying the dress on myself, guesstimating where the points should go, and then testing my theory while the dress was hanging on my door.

I was quite pleased with the end result.  The buttons match the dress, and the loops blend into the train much better.  And I was no longer concerned that the bustle points would come detached during the reception if someone managed to step on my hemline.

My friend's tailor also made beautiful straps for the dress since I didn't want to wear the bolero for the entire reception.  However, Part Two of the alterations was fueled partially by my priest's request that I raise the neckline a bit more and partially because I felt extremely exposed with just the straps and nothing else on my back.

The Alterations: Part Two

I went back to the drawing board, brainstorming a way that I could make the neckline more modest without destroying the original charm of the sweetheart neckline.  As I was scouring Pinterest, I also began searching for a way to add a more "substantial" top to the dress since my back felt so exposed with just straps.

My final inspiration came from these gowns:

 

I also scoured the internet and Pinterest looking for a sample pattern for making such an illusion neckline, but to no avail.  Thanking my lucky stars that my mother taught me how to sew at a young age, I began sketching a prototype pattern.  Taking measurements of oneself is a tricky business, and I highly recommend having someone help you if you can.  If not, it's possible to do it yourself . . . just tricky.

Once I had my sketch in place, I went to JoAnn's with my wedding dress searching for a netting/tulle that matched the dress as closely as possible.  Again, I was extremely blessed to find an illusion fabric (on sale, no less!) that matched perfectly and lace that matched the appliques already on my dress.  Armed with my lace and several extra yards of tulle (in case of error on the first try), I returned home.

I taped together some blue gift wrapping tissue paper and drew out my pattern.  I fudged the neckline and the sleeves a bit, and I ended up tacking the sleeves a bit when sewing so that they lay flat.  The neckline ended up a bit wider than I anticipated, but overall I was pleased with the result.

 My next step was raising the neckline on the dress . . . specifically the dip of the sweetheart.  To do so, I found some beautiful lace that matched my dress and stitched it directly into the neckline.  I also tacked it to the illusion neckline once I was done stitching that into the dress proper.

After the neckline was fixed, I turned my attention to the illusion top.  I stitched the sides together and added the lace to the sleeves.  I had just enough lace to cover both sleeves, and by tacking the sleeves together a bit, I managed to make them lie flat against my shoulder rather than popping up in an unflattering manner.

The final embellishment was stitching a slim, ivory ribbon along the neckline.  One of my favorite things about working with tulle is that you don't need to hem it because it doesn't fray, which means I could have left the neckline plain.  But I wanted to give it a finished look, so I added the ribbon.  I was a little concerned about the flimsy fabric getting away from me, but it went much better than I anticipated.

Once I finished the neckline top, I began stitching it into the dress itself.  Again, more approximate measuring to make sure I stitched in the right place (this project would have been much easier with a sewing mannequin.)  When I finished adding the neckline to the dress, I was quite pleased with the end result.

I was extremely pleased with my end result.
The neckline looked like it was part of the original dress.

Don't mind the unfinished lacing . . . lacing up a wedding dress by oneself is extremely difficult . . . but you get the idea.

All told (since my friend generously paid for the initial alterations and bolero as a wedding gift) I spent about $40 and 5-10 hours on my personal alterations.  I know sewing isn't in everyone's bag of tricks, but with a little trial and error, you can do it!  And if you're budget-conscious, this is much more cost-effective than hiring a tailor or seamstress.  I anticipate posts in the future featuring more of my sewing experiments.

Have you done similar alterations?  Other sewing projects?  I'd love to hear about them in the comments!

The Hidden Cost of a Catholic Wedding

From the title of this post, you probably expect me to wax philosophically eloquent on the emotional roller coasters that planning a wedding brings and all of the drama and tears that go into the binding of two people into one.  While all of that is true, I'm going to focus rather on the unexpected monetary expenses that popped up while I was planning my wedding in hopes that future brides won't be caught off guard by the same costs.

So here's a list:

• Marriage License: You probably know that you need a marriage license in order to get married, but the cost may surprise you.  It's best to check your state's information and requirements for getting the marriage license sooner than later.  Ours ended up costing almost $100 (should have been $60 with a discount from the marriage prep classes we had to take, but the paperwork for that was by no means clear, so we ended up paying the full amount for the license).
• Pre-Cana Classes: As a Catholic, you're also likely aware that you're supposed to complete marriage preparation with your priest.  In addition to that, however, the diocese may require additional courses such as seminars on Life Skills or Sacramentality of Marriage.  These cost us $150 total and were the courses that were supposed to give us the $40 discount on the marriage license; however, the individual presenters weren't registered with the State, and the instructions on how to get the certificates verified to satisfy the State were unclear.
• Pre-Marital Inventory: This is essentially a compatibility test that most (if not all) dioceses require when you're getting married.  Typically, I believe, it occurs near the beginning of your marriage prep.  We didn't find out about it until two weeks before the wedding, so that was fun.  Another $25 fee and another test.  Not that expensive, but still unexpected (and when you're trying to keep your wedding as close to your $10k budget as possible, every penny counts).
• Priest's Fee:  It is customary to give the priest who performs your wedding a small gift/fee . . . the amount may be prescribed by your church or it may be up to  you.  Typically, at least $50.
• Altar Server gift: It is also customary and nice to give a small amount of money to the altar servers for your mass - $10 a piece is fine.  (Just keep in mind if you have 5+ servers, that adds up fast.)
• Thank You notes & postage: We all know we need to send thank yous for the gifts we receive at our wedding, but calculating the cost of the notes and postage into the wedding budget doesn't always make the list.
• Extra Seats at the Reception: As much as I wanted to submit a final number to the caterer and venue of ONLY the people who had actually responded they were coming by the deadline, my wonderful fiance convinced me to add an extra 8 people to the number for the inevitable people who find they can come at the last minute or who just haven't gotten around to responding.  And I'm so grateful he did . . . we already used 5 of those spots.  And the wedding is still 4 days away.

I could go on with all the aspects of planning an international honeymoon (airfare; car rental; car storage at the airport; hotels/bnbs; food; gas; souvenirs; touring), but I won't.  I hope this list helps any future brides or grooms with their wedding budgeting.  Good luck and stay positive!

Marriage Losing to the Wedding?

I'm 40 days out from my wedding, and yes, there are dozens (well, maybe A dozen) of things left to take care of before the "BIG DAY".  And yet as I sit here trying to check everything off my list, I find myself saddened by the fact that so much emphasis is placed on the WEDDING and none on the MARRIAGE that follows.

I am blessed that my Catholic faith requires extensive marriage preparation before the Church will allow us to be married.  This marriage preparation is essential to addressing and confirming that both future spouses understand the teachings of the Church, the struggles and temptations they will face in their married life, and how they can fight the good fight against the Devil.  As G. K. Chesterton so aptly put it, 

Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honour should decline.

The family is the foundation of all society, and marriage is the battleground of the family.  The Devil wants to see the world tumble around our heads, and he is cunning.  He doesn't strike the strong, stalwart defenses.  He looks for the cracks in our armor.  The wounds or chinks that leave an opening, however small, for him to slip in.  This is why couples MUST prepare for their marriage continually.  This preparation is absolutely more important than the perfect wedding.  A wedding is one day.  Yes, it is an important day since it is the day you and your future spouse stand up in front of God and your loved ones and declare your fidelity to one another.  It is the day that your souls are knit together and bound for life.  It is the beginning of your marriage, but it is only one day.  Your marriage is the rest of your life.  

If we kept things in perspective, we'd do better at preparing for marriage and not just our wedding.  And right there, that's where the devil sneaks in . . . even before you're married.  He's in your head raising questions about wedding details and stressing you out about guest lists and finances.  Anything to keep you distracted from the fact that you're getting MARRIED and to keep you from preparing your defenses so that you can have a holy and sacred marriage.  

My fiance and I have been attending our marriage preparation meetings with our priest for 6 months.  During those sessions, we've discussed various issues including birth control, the roles of the parents, discipline, children, finances, religion, economics, and so much more.  We read Casti Connubbi and are working our way through Three to Get Married by Fulton J. Sheen (there will be posts on those soon).  We have been doing a holy hour once a week together where we pray for ourselves, for each other, for our marriage preparation, and for our married life.  I cherish this time together because it continues to build the rock solid spiritual foundation that will get us through those rough times that inevitably arise since we are fallen human beings in a world constantly under attack.

As we enter our 40 days before marriage, we've mutually decided to increase our zeal and vigor in preparation for marriage during these last 6 weeks.  As the wedding preparation stress heightens, our reliance on prayer shall increase.  Prayer and preparation during this "Lenten" journey of ours will help us keep perspective on what truly matters.  In the grand scheme of life on earth and our Heavenly goal, it doesn't matter if the food doesn't taste exquisite, if the guests don't RSVP, if the flowers go flat, if the stress multiplies tenfold for no reason.

Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, and I mean in reference to Christ and the church; however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. ~ Ephesians 5:21-33

This is our guide - the battle plan for marriage.  It is the rule for our lives as husband and wife.  If we follow it faithfully, God's blessings and grace will strengthen us in our fight against the Devil.

If you are preparing for marriage yourself, or you know someone who is, I encourage you to ponder the gravity, mystery, and wonder of what you've decided to enter into.  Marriage is not a picnic.  It is not a walk in the park.  It is a struggle and a harrowing journey, and you will not emerge without being changed.  But it is a beautiful, joyous, and wonderful change.  And the struggles lighten when you place God at the center of your marriage and take His scriptures and teachings as your guide.   

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? ~ Psalms 27:1