"Work hard." To be happy, we have to do more. Most of us live below the level of our energy. Do all that you can! Work to the limit of your abilities.
Our world suffers from indifference. Is it possible that our Lord suffers more from our indifference than He did in the crucifixion. Don't be bored with life. When you're in love, you'll do anything.
Waste yourself on others - give yourself to others. When we save things only for ourselves, it becomes sinful - lust (our body); avarice (our money); pride (our knowledge).
When anyone asks you to do things, be prepared to do more! Energy is renewed if we love. "As sanctity and holiness decline, energy declines."
"Believe the impossible, and you can do the incredible!" If you have faith, the impossible things can be done.
Be generous with yourself! "As we give, we get. As we pour out ourselves, God gives us strength."
So often we find ourselves caught up in the drudgery of daily life, focusing on all the things we must do and all the things we wish we could do if we only had the time. We begrudge our aid to others in our lives, especially those closest to us. We want everyone else to help us out and make our burdens less. I'm absolutely guilty of this myself. Of relying on my own strength to accomplish everything and failing to increase my reliance on God, Who alone can truly give me the strength I need. So waste yourself! Give all of yourself through God to others, and He will give you the energy to keep going. And if we all did this . . . if we all wasted ourselves on others, surely others would take care of us.
There is the idea among many people in the modern age that any "incompatibility" serves as an indication that two people should not stay together, nor should they be required to adapt to those incompatibilities. The advent of no-fault divorce perpetuated this idea through the United States of America.
Quite to the contrary, as Archbishop Fulton Sheen said, "We're not abnormal if we have certain tensions. . . . for example, a tension between body and soul . . . between what [an individual] is and what he ought to be." There are tensions in all aspects of life and between all people. Does that mean we should abandon our friends, ignore our coworkers, and push away our family? Of course not!
Archbishop Fulton Sheen discusses marriage and incompatibility in the following video, and my discussion afterwards is a brief summary with my thoughts intertwined.
"Was there ever in the world a perfectly compatible couple?"
Archbishop Fulton Sheen
I'm sure we've all seen the "perfect couple" - but more likely than not, we caught only a glimpse of what their relationship truly is. In any marriage, as in any relationship, there are tensions between the spouses - between husband and wife. These include the tension between things held in common vs. differences, sex vs. love (whereas the first can separate the act and the person, which is not good while the second incorporates the first and is concerned with the whole person.) How do we resolve these tensions? Archbishop Fulton Sheen gives two methods, both applicable in marriage and outside of it, and both utilized at various points within marriage.
Wedding of Nicholas II and Alexandra.
First, he says, "The only way one can ever escape the mediocrity from a barrenness in love and affection is by some kind of sacrifice or self-denial. Love never mounts to a higher level without a death to a lower level." Married love is typically a life of ups and downs. Some may think that that is just how married life is and that we simply need to weather the storms to arrive at the happy points again. But that essentially stagnates a marriage, where the couple tends to simply co-exist and get through life rather than growing closer to each other and to God. How do we reach the higher level? According to Sheen, "It [love] goes to a higher level through a sacrifice."
"Marriage will go along in this dull, drab line or else be nothing but troughs and swells UNLESS every now and then there comes a moment where the ego is crushed. There has to be the unfolding of a mystery. Then there is something noble."
It is in the dying to oneself and serving the other that love can truly grow and ascend higher. It is through this mutual self-sacrifice between the husband and wife that draws them closer together. A sample "crisis" is the birth of a new child. "Egotism has to be crushed in the husband and wife [when a new child is born]. The new life demands some kind of surrender." As he says, "The only truly progressive thing in the world is love. . . . It feeds on only one kind of food - the crushing of the ego and the beginning of the living for another." We are all called to be saints. Some may say that sainthood can only be achieved by extraordinary sacrifice and monumental achievements for the Lord. Rather, "[w]hat makes the saint is the one who is willing at each and every crisis of his life to make some act of self-denial. Then love truly is an ascension, both the love of man for woman and the love of a soul for God."
The second method for resolving the tensions between these incompatibilities is an infusion. "The richer helping the poorer. The stronger helping the weaker. There is such a thing as an infusion." "It is possible to have an infusion between husband and wife." Between husband and wife, infusions happen on various levels - physical; mental; spiritual. Of these, the spiritual is the most important. "For the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husband." 1 Corinthians 7:14. Fulton Sheen says, "The faith, the goodness, the virtue can pass from one to the other." A husband can lead his wife to God, and a wife her husband, by their virtue and example and support. One of the primary functions of marriage is to get your spouse to Heaven. As St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the Gospel at all times. When necessary, use words." Our example to our spouse and to our children can be one of the strongest tools we have to assist them in their path to salvation. There is another saying that you are the company you keep. If your spouse keeps your company, and you are a faithful and virtuous example, they will begin to imitate you. And vice versa. Ultimately, in marriage and in life,
"There are incompatibilities, but there must be. Yes, the chase in a certain sense takes away the thrill of the capture, but there ought to be a way in which we can have both. And there actually is, and that is Heaven. When we capture perfect love, then we will need an infinity of chase in order to enjoy the eternity of the capture of that passionless passion and wild tranquility which is love divine."
Embrace them. Seek the truth. Pursue the faith. Love your spouse and your children. Put your all into getting them to Heaven, and they should do likewise. And together, with God's abundant grace, you may attain it.
I'm 40 days out from my wedding, and yes, there are dozens (well, maybe A dozen) of things left to take care of before the "BIG DAY". And yet as I sit here trying to check everything off my list, I find myself saddened by the fact that so much emphasis is placed on the WEDDING and none on the MARRIAGE that follows. I am blessed that my Catholic faith requires extensive marriage preparation before the Church will allow us to be married. This marriage preparation is essential to addressing and confirming that both future spouses understand the teachings of the Church, the struggles and temptations they will face in their married life, and how they can fight the good fight against the Devil. As G. K. Chesterton so aptly put it,
Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honour should decline.
The family is the foundation of all society, and marriage is the battleground of the family. The Devil wants to see the world tumble around our heads, and he is cunning. He doesn't strike the strong, stalwart defenses. He looks for the cracks in our armor. The wounds or chinks that leave an opening, however small, for him to slip in. This is why couples MUST prepare for their marriage continually. This preparation is absolutely more important than the perfect wedding. A wedding is one day. Yes, it is an important day since it is the day you and your future spouse stand up in front of God and your loved ones and declare your fidelity to one another. It is the day that your souls are knit together and bound for life. It is the beginning of your marriage, but it is only one day. Your marriage is the rest of your life.
If we kept things in perspective, we'd do better at preparing for marriage and not just our wedding. And right there, that's where the devil sneaks in . . . even before you're married. He's in your head raising questions about wedding details and stressing you out about guest lists and finances. Anything to keep you distracted from the fact that you're getting MARRIED and to keep you from preparing your defenses so that you can have a holy and sacred marriage. My fiance and I have been attending our marriage preparation meetings with our priest for 6 months. During those sessions, we've discussed various issues including birth control, the roles of the parents, discipline, children, finances, religion, economics, and so much more. We read Casti Connubbi and are working our way through Three to Get Married by Fulton J. Sheen (there will be posts on those soon). We have been doing a holy hour once a week together where we pray for ourselves, for each other, for our marriage preparation, and for our married life. I cherish this time together because it continues to build the rock solid spiritual foundation that will get us through those rough times that inevitably arise since we are fallen human beings in a world constantly under attack.
As we enter our 40 days before marriage, we've mutually decided to increase our zeal and vigor in preparation for marriage during these last 6 weeks. As the wedding preparation stress heightens, our reliance on prayer shall increase. Prayer and preparation during this "Lenten" journey of ours will help us keep perspective on what truly matters. In the grand scheme of life on earth and our Heavenly goal, it doesn't matter if the food doesn't taste exquisite, if the guests don't RSVP, if the flowers go flat, if the stress multiplies tenfold for no reason.
Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church,because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, and I mean in reference to Christ and the church; however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. ~ Ephesians 5:21-33
This is our guide - the battle plan for marriage. It is the rule for our lives as husband and wife. If we follow it faithfully, God's blessings and grace will strengthen us in our fight against the Devil. If you are preparing for marriage yourself, or you know someone who is, I encourage you to ponder the gravity, mystery, and wonder of what you've decided to enter into. Marriage is not a picnic. It is not a walk in the park. It is a struggle and a harrowing journey, and you will not emerge without being changed. But it is a beautiful, joyous, and wonderful change. And the struggles lighten when you place God at the center of your marriage and take His scriptures and teachings as your guide.
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? ~ Psalms 27:1
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