Why I'm NOT Going To "Do It All"

A year ago today I published a post on the question of "Where do you see yourself?"  In that post, I essentially detailed my vocation - to be a wife and mother - and how so many people, including persons I know personally and respect, fail to understand why I can't "do it all."  They may applaud my goal to have as many children as possible, but they raise doubts about the economic feasibility or my own personal level of fulfillment if I don't have a career plus children.  And some of their points may be valid.  Economic feasibility is definitely a concern for anyone in this day and age, but my husband and I trust that God will provide as we need so long as we are following His plan.  When we were preparing for marriage, our priest asked if we would have children, even if money was tight.  And the answer was a resounding yes.  Any children that God sends our way are an immense blessing, and as long as we accept that blessing with joy, gratitude, and responsibility, He's not going to let them starve.  Sure, we might have to cut back on other things - dates; movies; organic food; etc.  But never do we want to let our personal financial habits and lifestyle to be something that stands between us and another child.

Over the past year, my husband and I have faced struggles of various sorts, as every couple does, but I firmly believe that our marriage is stronger and grows stronger each day because we work together.  We communicate our thoughts, our needs, our goals, and our dreams.  We tackle major decisions with discussion, reason, and compromise.  And most importantly, we support each other.  16 months of marriage isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, and I look forward to many, many, many years to come; however, in those 16 months, we've repeatedly been blessed with God's grace, love, and guidance as we tackled each seemingly insurmountable issue that came our way.  By no means are we perfect, but I have full faith and trust that together we will follow God's path and build a fulfilling, successful marriage, one that will hopefully be a testament and model to our children.

And speaking of children, here's the main reason for today's post's title - our daughter is due in a few short months.  Every day we get closer to seeing her face and holding her in our arms, and I grow more confident that my decision to stay home and raise her (and our future children) is the right one.  I am not here to disparage the families where both spouses need to work, for whatever reason.  I realize that economic circumstances are not always within our control.  And that every family is different.  But I do know that for me and my sisters, my mom's decision to stay home full time and homeschool when I was just finishing 2nd grade was one of the BEST decisions she and my dad ever made.  

I want to give my daughter everything that she really needs.  And she doesn't need the best clothes or all the toys or fancy vacations.  She needs my love and attention.  She needs my example, and that of my husband, in how to act, how to love God, and how to pursue her relationship with God.  She needs our love and support and encouragement on a daily basis.  She doesn't need to be raised by strangers because her parents don't feel like staying home.  We are truly blessed that we can afford to live on a single income - a tight budget, most definitely, but the sacrifices to that budget pale in comparison to the reward of giving our daughter what she really needs.

And that is why I'm not going to "do it all."  I don't need a career to be fulfilled.  I have one already.  I'm a wife and a mother.  Sure, maybe I'll work from home part time - especially if it's a flexible schedule that works around what my family's immediate needs are.  Extra income for the future is always nice.  But it's not necessary.  My responsibility and obligation are to my family, to my vocation, to my husband, and to my daughter.  They come first.  Not some career.  They deserve my full attention and energy and love.  And if I stretch myself too thin by trying to "do it all", they are the ones that will truly suffer.

So yeah, society doesn't really understand my decision at all.  Several of my old professors and employers don't really understand it either - they support it, which is nice . . . but even now, they still question "Why can't you do it all?"  They say, "You've got a great job.  It's an easy job.  We can make accommodations for your daughter."  And my response is that it may be an easy job.  The work itself is enjoyable.  But the strain of a full-time career is already wearing on me, and I'm just pregnant.  I spend the first 11-12 hours of my day on this career, and my vocation as a wife and mother suffers.  Because then I have 4 hours in the evening to do everything else that I want to be doing as the wife, the mother, the heart of the household - cooking; cleaning; laundry; shopping.  And taking care of my husband.  Making sure that his needs are met.  And that I'm doing what I should for my growing child - which is insanely difficult when I'm out of the house 12 hours of the day.  And the only reason I am sacrificing my time and energy for my husband and child right now is because we discussed it and decided that it is what's best for our family in this moment.  To work and save towards the future as much as possible until our darling daughter is born.

I may be physically capable of "doing it all," but I cannot do it all well.  And I refuse to sacrifice my family for a career.

A Solemn Oath

As some of you may know, I was admitted to the Florida Bar this past week.  After law school and the bar exam, the professional responsibility test and passing character & fitness, I was deemed a worthy candidate for the practice of law in the State of Florida.  While I may or may not actively practice, the Oath of Admittance is a solemn one:

I do solemnly swear:

I will support the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of the State of Florida.

I will maintain the respect due to Courts of Justice and Judicial Officers.

I will not counsel or maintain any suit or proceedings which shall appear to me to be unjust, nor any defense except such as I believe to be honestly debatable under the law of the land.

I will employ for the purpose of maintaining the causes confided to me such means only as are consistent with truth and honor, and will never seek to mislead the Judge or Jury by any artifice or false statement of fact or law.

I will maintain the confidence and preserve inviolate the secrets of my clients, and will accept no compensation in connection with their business except from from them or with their knowledge and approval.

To opposing parties and their counsel, I pledge fairness, integrity, and civility, not only in court, but also in all written and oral communications.

I will abstain from all offensive personality and advance no fact prejudicial to the honor or reputation of a party or witness, unless required by the justice of the cause with which I am charged.

I will never reject, from any consideration personal to myself, the cause of the defenseless or oppressed, or delay anyone's cause for lucre or malice.  So help me God.

Reading through it again gives me chills . . . the good kind.  It's a weighty task with which lawyers are charged.  And yes, there are definitely those of the profession who serve less than satisfactorily.  But this oath embodies the ideal to which we should strive.  And the conduct which it prescribes has a broader application - to all aspects of our lives and all interactions.  We should act with truth and honor.  We should keep the secrets entrusted to us (with exceptions).  We should act fairly and civilly with integrity and strength of conviction.  We should be kind and refrain from offensive personality.  And we should champion the defenseless and oppressed!  So help me God!  

Just ponder the words and think for a moment about how they could apply in your life.

Catching Up

It's been three weeks since my last post . . . I guess I failed with my "once a week post" resolution.  But that's ok.  I can get back up and start again.  Plus, I'm pretty sure that taking time off to study for the Multi-State Bar Exam is a valid reason for forgetting things like weekly blog posts.

Speaking of the exam, I have absolutely no idea how it went.  Nor do I particularly care.  Obviously, it would be nice if I passed.  But my ability to practice law is not a deciding factor in my future.  Even if my husband and I decide to start our own firm, we only need one licensed attorney (and he's already got that.)  I can help with the work without being licensed, as long as he is the one with final say.  Besides, we've got our whole life ahead of us . . . and God only knows where He's leading us.

The past two weeks I've been home studying/out of town taking the exam.  And they've been heavenly . . . even with all the studying.  It was a nice confirmation that my ultimate vocation is truly as a wife and mother (hopefully).  Whether that's near or far in the future, I know that's where God's leading me.  And that makes getting through today and the present much easier.  Because there must be something He's trying to teach me or show me where I'm at right now - if I would but open my eyes and see.  

Lent begins today (Ash Wednesday), which means it's time for Catholics to renew their New Year's Resolutions. ;)  In all seriousness, I really love that the Church gives us this period of time to sacrifice and work on ourselves and our relationship with God, keeping our earthly life and our heavenly goal in perspective.  And one of my Lenten works is trying to focus on the good in each situation rather than complaining about all the little, annoying rubs.  With God's help, I'll be able to find joy in my daily sacrifices and draw closer to Him.

May you all have a blessed Lent!

Where Do You See Yourself?

Last week, this question came up in a group of people, and we were going around the room saying where we see ourselves going, what our goals are, etc.  Since I work at a law school, everyone's goals were centered around life after graduation - starting their own firms or working for a law firm etc.  I was last (and part of me hoped I wouldn't have to answer since I was one of the instructors . . . no such luck.)  And I just said the first thing that came to mind because it's been my goal and aspiration since I was five years old.  My goal?  I want to have 12 children.  And that's what I said.  I also added on that I enjoyed working and helping people because I do enjoy my job (and my co-instructor seemed a bit shocked that 12 children was the goal I chose to share with a class full of law students.)  In fact, he wanted to know if I had any law firm aspirations . . . to which I replied possibly if I get my license and my husband and I start something.  But in the back of my mind, I was thinking "Not really."  I absolutely support my husband as he considers starting his own firm, and I will do everything in my power to assist him in whatever way I can.  Especially while we don't actually have any children.  But I know, deep in my inner core, my vocation is to be a wife and mother.  It's all I've ever wanted and worked towards.  I fully believe that a large part of why God led me to law school was so that I could meet my husband.  Who also wants 12 children, by the way.  So that works. :)

Typically, when I tell people my goal is to have a large family, they laugh or dismiss it saying "Come back when you have two kids and tell me that."  Or something else along the lines of "That's all?  What about all of your potential for SO MUCH MORE?"  And my self-conscious introvert sits there and feels like I'm not good enough somehow.  That my dreams aren't "big enough" or whatever.  That somehow the world views the bearing and raising of children as insufficient for a fulfilling life.  That I, as a strong, intelligent woman, need to DO IT ALL in order to be truly successful.  That having that many children would mean giving up myself. (I will say it was refreshing that one person in the room last week said afterwards that my goal was admirable and worthwhile.)

When I hear those responses and reactions, I just want to scream back at them.  That having children and raising them to be good, moral, Catholics is the highest goal and aspiration I could ever have.  That my goal to be a mother is one of the most important in the world.  I mean, without mothers, how would the world survive?  We'd essentially breed ourselves OUT OF EXISTENCE!  It was really saddening to read a statistic the other day that more women today are choosing simply not to have children.  They just don't want them.  And I understand that having kids is hard work, absolutely.  And I know that I don't have first-hand knowledge yet since I don't have kids of my own.  But even so . . . what will become of our society if we don't have children?  

I've known my vocation as a wife and mother for decades now, and yet somehow I still feel doubt in myself when people question my goal.  Should I really be that selfish to want to just stay home and raise a dozen children?  Shouldn't I be contributing to society in some other way?  Shouldn't I be fiscally responsible and help generate income for my family?  And it saddens me that I know my calling, and yet I still allow others to spread doubt in my mind.  It's been a long struggle, and I'm definitely more confident in my goals than I used to be.  It helps that my husband fully supports this goal.  And what greater aspiration could I have than to share what little I know with my children who will one day go out into the world and continue on the next generation?  

I don't know what life has in store for me or when God will bless us with children.  But I do know that being a wife and mother is a noble, admirable, and sacrificial vocation - one that I am nowhere near worthy of successfully living but one that I am striving to fulfill as best I can.  And in the meantime?  I work and help the people around me as best I can.  And I place my trust in God that He's got all of this taken care of.  That He's the one in charge, and we're working with His timing and not mine.