Why I'm NOT Going To "Do It All"

A year ago today I published a post on the question of "Where do you see yourself?"  In that post, I essentially detailed my vocation - to be a wife and mother - and how so many people, including persons I know personally and respect, fail to understand why I can't "do it all."  They may applaud my goal to have as many children as possible, but they raise doubts about the economic feasibility or my own personal level of fulfillment if I don't have a career plus children.  And some of their points may be valid.  Economic feasibility is definitely a concern for anyone in this day and age, but my husband and I trust that God will provide as we need so long as we are following His plan.  When we were preparing for marriage, our priest asked if we would have children, even if money was tight.  And the answer was a resounding yes.  Any children that God sends our way are an immense blessing, and as long as we accept that blessing with joy, gratitude, and responsibility, He's not going to let them starve.  Sure, we might have to cut back on other things - dates; movies; organic food; etc.  But never do we want to let our personal financial habits and lifestyle to be something that stands between us and another child.

Over the past year, my husband and I have faced struggles of various sorts, as every couple does, but I firmly believe that our marriage is stronger and grows stronger each day because we work together.  We communicate our thoughts, our needs, our goals, and our dreams.  We tackle major decisions with discussion, reason, and compromise.  And most importantly, we support each other.  16 months of marriage isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, and I look forward to many, many, many years to come; however, in those 16 months, we've repeatedly been blessed with God's grace, love, and guidance as we tackled each seemingly insurmountable issue that came our way.  By no means are we perfect, but I have full faith and trust that together we will follow God's path and build a fulfilling, successful marriage, one that will hopefully be a testament and model to our children.

And speaking of children, here's the main reason for today's post's title - our daughter is due in a few short months.  Every day we get closer to seeing her face and holding her in our arms, and I grow more confident that my decision to stay home and raise her (and our future children) is the right one.  I am not here to disparage the families where both spouses need to work, for whatever reason.  I realize that economic circumstances are not always within our control.  And that every family is different.  But I do know that for me and my sisters, my mom's decision to stay home full time and homeschool when I was just finishing 2nd grade was one of the BEST decisions she and my dad ever made.  

I want to give my daughter everything that she really needs.  And she doesn't need the best clothes or all the toys or fancy vacations.  She needs my love and attention.  She needs my example, and that of my husband, in how to act, how to love God, and how to pursue her relationship with God.  She needs our love and support and encouragement on a daily basis.  She doesn't need to be raised by strangers because her parents don't feel like staying home.  We are truly blessed that we can afford to live on a single income - a tight budget, most definitely, but the sacrifices to that budget pale in comparison to the reward of giving our daughter what she really needs.

And that is why I'm not going to "do it all."  I don't need a career to be fulfilled.  I have one already.  I'm a wife and a mother.  Sure, maybe I'll work from home part time - especially if it's a flexible schedule that works around what my family's immediate needs are.  Extra income for the future is always nice.  But it's not necessary.  My responsibility and obligation are to my family, to my vocation, to my husband, and to my daughter.  They come first.  Not some career.  They deserve my full attention and energy and love.  And if I stretch myself too thin by trying to "do it all", they are the ones that will truly suffer.

So yeah, society doesn't really understand my decision at all.  Several of my old professors and employers don't really understand it either - they support it, which is nice . . . but even now, they still question "Why can't you do it all?"  They say, "You've got a great job.  It's an easy job.  We can make accommodations for your daughter."  And my response is that it may be an easy job.  The work itself is enjoyable.  But the strain of a full-time career is already wearing on me, and I'm just pregnant.  I spend the first 11-12 hours of my day on this career, and my vocation as a wife and mother suffers.  Because then I have 4 hours in the evening to do everything else that I want to be doing as the wife, the mother, the heart of the household - cooking; cleaning; laundry; shopping.  And taking care of my husband.  Making sure that his needs are met.  And that I'm doing what I should for my growing child - which is insanely difficult when I'm out of the house 12 hours of the day.  And the only reason I am sacrificing my time and energy for my husband and child right now is because we discussed it and decided that it is what's best for our family in this moment.  To work and save towards the future as much as possible until our darling daughter is born.

I may be physically capable of "doing it all," but I cannot do it all well.  And I refuse to sacrifice my family for a career.

Catching Up

It's been three weeks since my last post . . . I guess I failed with my "once a week post" resolution.  But that's ok.  I can get back up and start again.  Plus, I'm pretty sure that taking time off to study for the Multi-State Bar Exam is a valid reason for forgetting things like weekly blog posts.

Speaking of the exam, I have absolutely no idea how it went.  Nor do I particularly care.  Obviously, it would be nice if I passed.  But my ability to practice law is not a deciding factor in my future.  Even if my husband and I decide to start our own firm, we only need one licensed attorney (and he's already got that.)  I can help with the work without being licensed, as long as he is the one with final say.  Besides, we've got our whole life ahead of us . . . and God only knows where He's leading us.

The past two weeks I've been home studying/out of town taking the exam.  And they've been heavenly . . . even with all the studying.  It was a nice confirmation that my ultimate vocation is truly as a wife and mother (hopefully).  Whether that's near or far in the future, I know that's where God's leading me.  And that makes getting through today and the present much easier.  Because there must be something He's trying to teach me or show me where I'm at right now - if I would but open my eyes and see.  

Lent begins today (Ash Wednesday), which means it's time for Catholics to renew their New Year's Resolutions. ;)  In all seriousness, I really love that the Church gives us this period of time to sacrifice and work on ourselves and our relationship with God, keeping our earthly life and our heavenly goal in perspective.  And one of my Lenten works is trying to focus on the good in each situation rather than complaining about all the little, annoying rubs.  With God's help, I'll be able to find joy in my daily sacrifices and draw closer to Him.

May you all have a blessed Lent!

Where Do You See Yourself?

Last week, this question came up in a group of people, and we were going around the room saying where we see ourselves going, what our goals are, etc.  Since I work at a law school, everyone's goals were centered around life after graduation - starting their own firms or working for a law firm etc.  I was last (and part of me hoped I wouldn't have to answer since I was one of the instructors . . . no such luck.)  And I just said the first thing that came to mind because it's been my goal and aspiration since I was five years old.  My goal?  I want to have 12 children.  And that's what I said.  I also added on that I enjoyed working and helping people because I do enjoy my job (and my co-instructor seemed a bit shocked that 12 children was the goal I chose to share with a class full of law students.)  In fact, he wanted to know if I had any law firm aspirations . . . to which I replied possibly if I get my license and my husband and I start something.  But in the back of my mind, I was thinking "Not really."  I absolutely support my husband as he considers starting his own firm, and I will do everything in my power to assist him in whatever way I can.  Especially while we don't actually have any children.  But I know, deep in my inner core, my vocation is to be a wife and mother.  It's all I've ever wanted and worked towards.  I fully believe that a large part of why God led me to law school was so that I could meet my husband.  Who also wants 12 children, by the way.  So that works. :)

Typically, when I tell people my goal is to have a large family, they laugh or dismiss it saying "Come back when you have two kids and tell me that."  Or something else along the lines of "That's all?  What about all of your potential for SO MUCH MORE?"  And my self-conscious introvert sits there and feels like I'm not good enough somehow.  That my dreams aren't "big enough" or whatever.  That somehow the world views the bearing and raising of children as insufficient for a fulfilling life.  That I, as a strong, intelligent woman, need to DO IT ALL in order to be truly successful.  That having that many children would mean giving up myself. (I will say it was refreshing that one person in the room last week said afterwards that my goal was admirable and worthwhile.)

When I hear those responses and reactions, I just want to scream back at them.  That having children and raising them to be good, moral, Catholics is the highest goal and aspiration I could ever have.  That my goal to be a mother is one of the most important in the world.  I mean, without mothers, how would the world survive?  We'd essentially breed ourselves OUT OF EXISTENCE!  It was really saddening to read a statistic the other day that more women today are choosing simply not to have children.  They just don't want them.  And I understand that having kids is hard work, absolutely.  And I know that I don't have first-hand knowledge yet since I don't have kids of my own.  But even so . . . what will become of our society if we don't have children?  

I've known my vocation as a wife and mother for decades now, and yet somehow I still feel doubt in myself when people question my goal.  Should I really be that selfish to want to just stay home and raise a dozen children?  Shouldn't I be contributing to society in some other way?  Shouldn't I be fiscally responsible and help generate income for my family?  And it saddens me that I know my calling, and yet I still allow others to spread doubt in my mind.  It's been a long struggle, and I'm definitely more confident in my goals than I used to be.  It helps that my husband fully supports this goal.  And what greater aspiration could I have than to share what little I know with my children who will one day go out into the world and continue on the next generation?  

I don't know what life has in store for me or when God will bless us with children.  But I do know that being a wife and mother is a noble, admirable, and sacrificial vocation - one that I am nowhere near worthy of successfully living but one that I am striving to fulfill as best I can.  And in the meantime?  I work and help the people around me as best I can.  And I place my trust in God that He's got all of this taken care of.  That He's the one in charge, and we're working with His timing and not mine.

How Feminism Destroyed the Traditional Family

"We swapped a society where women could be full-time mothers--a role many found fulfilling and satisfying--for one that fuels consumerism and clogs our roads with second cars on the drive to school, where spoiled children, buried under mountains of toys they can't be bothered to play with, watch suggestive TV shows in their lonely bedrooms. And we have this partly because the equality feminists forced us to believe that motherhood was parasitic, the housewife a leech." ~ James Tooley

There are so many things wrong with society today . . . enough to write multiple volumes . . . but don't worry.  I won't try to cram all of them into a single post.  I was reading back through old papers from my college days, and I ran across the quote above in a paper I wrote on how the mass entrance of women into the workforce during WWII coupled with the rise of radical feminism accounts for a large part of why our modern society is so messed up.  This post is the short version.

Women entering the workforce en masse in WWII helped the American economy stay afloat while our men were off fighting.  In no way is this a condemnation or a sneer at their gallant efforts.  In fact, the number of women in the workforce "rose from 14,600,000 in 1941 to 19,370,000 in 1944." Allan M. Winkler, Home Front U.S.A.: America During World War II.  These women in the workforce were a great aid during WWII as they filled the empty jobs left by the men called to be soldiers.  Furthermore, the women who worked during WWII still understood that their most important role was as wife and mother, and society as a whole supported this understanding.  "When the period of postwar adjustment comes, and their men come home . . . you will see women returning naturally to their homes."  Allan M. Winkler, Home Front U.S.A.: America During World War II.

During the war, the Children's Bureau worried that "group care for children under two would cause 'slower mental development, social ineptness, weakened initiative, and damage to the child's capacity . . . to form satisfactory relationships.'"  Allan M. Winkler, Home Front U.S.A.  Society understood at the time that "[b]abies need not to be taught a trade, but to be introduced to a world. To put the matter shortly, woman is general shut up in a house with a human being at the time when he asks all the questions that there are, and some that there aren't."  G. K. Chesterton, What's Wrong With the World.  The majority of women gladly and willingly returned to their hearth and home and family. 

Sadly, there were women who resented their expulsion from the workforce at the end of WWII, which built up over the next few decades and eventually ruptured into the Women's Liberation Movement, a movement that desired total equality of men and women in society, and many of the changes desired were just and good.  However, what these equity feminists failed to realize were the "real and obvious differences between men and women."  Walter J. Schu, The Splendor of Love.  They failed to recognize what society knew it needed to survive - that "Man was created and equipped to provide for and to protect his family--his wife and children.  Woman was created to bear and nurture the children."  Dee Jepsen, Women: Beyond Equal Rights.  These feminists treated the mother's role as parasitic and fought tooth and nail for equality in the workforce, defending their office "with all the fierceness of domesticity."  G. K. Chesterton, What's Wrong With the World.  At the root, these feminists sought to overthrow the norms of society and essentially become men, completely losing sight of their own unique, special, and necessary role in the home as wife and mother.  

As women rejected the home and obstinately remained in the workforce, their children left the home to be taken care of by others.  This resulted in a decline in the intellect and morality of each successive generation (as evidenced today by the state of marriage; the rise of divorce; abortion; morality; etc.).  If women do not raise their children, the family life and morality will suffer a permanent decline.  As women fought to demonstrate they could do it all, men lost their motivation to provide and protect their women.  The advocate of the single, working mother was the enemy of the traditional family.  When women were told they could do it all without a man, the men were listening too.  And this is what they heard: "Men aren't necessary. Women can do it alone.  Women and children are usually better off without men.  Breadwinning oppresses women and children.  Marriage and breadwinning can be hard.  Why do it, if you are only oppressing the ones you love?" Maggie Gallagher.  

As women rejected the family in pursuit of their career, they also rejected their children, which led to the rise in abortion and the use of birth control.  Feminists painted children as feminism's "biggest enemies."  Kate O'Beirne, Women Who Make the World Worse.  They argued that "the battle of the sexes can't be won unless women make war on the tiniest enemies of their independence."  Id.  These radical feminists view abortion rights as a necessity because they believe that the unique gift of being able to conceive, bear, and give birth to new human beings is merely a symbol of the inferiority of women to men.  They refuse to acknowledge that without women bearing and raising children, society would collapse.  "Children need their mothers.  Children need time with their mothers.  The bonding and emotional ties that develop between them affect children's personalities, attitudes, and values--greatly influencing the shaping of their character."  Dee Jepsen, Women: Beyond Equal Rights.  The mother has the most influence over the children during their most impressionable years, and yet the radical feminists managed to take that beautiful and noble role and twist it into something to be despised and feared.

In our modern society, where the traditional family is constantly attacked and abused, it is our duty to return to the roots of a traditional family.  To build up the women who are mothers and wives in our life.  To praise the role of mother and emphasize the immense responsibility and honor that role brings.  And similarly, we need to raise up the men who are fathers and husbands.  To encourage them in their providing for their families.  To praise them for their devotion and protection.  And to the children, we owe this debt.  To raise them in a world where the family is respected and revered.  Where a mother can choose to stay at home with her children without being questioned by society at large.  Where a father can support his family on a sole income and not receive flack from society for letting his wife stay at home with their children.