Bloom Where You're Planted

Do you ever get that nagging feeling that something is missing?  Or the little green monster pops up unexpectedly at the worst times and reminds you of all that you're missing?  He compares your meager and measly life to the thriving ones of your friends and family, convincing you that you're never going to achieve your dreams and that life is just a drag - well, a drag for you anyways.

Believe you me, I'm well aware of how quickly and deeply that little voice pierces your soul.  And you catch yourself focusing on all the things you don't have yet and may never have rather than on all the blessings in your life.  There's a saying: "Bloom where you're planted."  And honestly, that's the answer to your jealousy and sorrow.  For better or worse, God has placed you where you are right now for a reason - maybe to test you; maybe to prepare you for trials ahead; maybe to give you blessings you don't even realize.  And that little monster talking about YOUR dreams and YOUR wishes?  He's trying to turn your attention away from God's plan for your life and make you focus solely on your own idea of what should be happening.  And then making you feel like crap when that isn't the reality.

Of course, blooming where you're planted doesn't mean you shouldn't be working towards those dreams as long as you aren't trying to go against God's plan.  And knowing what that plan is . . . well, that's a tricky business.  But if you pay attention, He'll show you.  Blooming where you're planted often means making the best of the situation you're in . . . focusing on the positive and learning the lessons you need to learn.  And oftentimes, being stuck in a situation far from your ultimate dream can help you discern what that dream really should be.

Your life isn't going to change with a snap of your fingers.  You have to make it change.  And if you keep trying and trying and hitting roadblock after roadblock, then either you're not trying hard enough or God is perhaps giving you a sign that you should try a different path.  Or maybe the devil is working against you.  Regardless, with discernment and reliance on God, you can figure out your path in life (at least for a few years down the road) and can then set about adjusting your present to prepare for the future you want.  If you want something, you're going to have to work for it.  The hard part is figuring out how.

Activity Without Anxiety

Anxiety is a big part of my life - even if it doesn't look like that to most people.  I'm pretty good at hiding it from the world.  But those closet to me - my husband and dear friends - they know.  They know about the pains in my chest when the anxiety mounts too high.  They know about my unfortunate tendency to always see the worst possible outcome, and allow that to affect my daily life.  Granted, I deal with the anxiety fairly well most of the time - which is probably why most people would be surprised to hear that I deal with so much of it.

Introvert - Sensing - Thinking - Judgment

I'm a type-A person with an ISTJ personality - which means that I want to fulfill my duty to EVERYONE and that work comes before pleasure and that ALL things must be done well or else I have failed.  And most other people look at that and go "It's JUST the cupboard.  It doesn't have to be meticulous."  Or "We're only a few minutes late - it's no big deal."  For me, being late is a HUGE deal.  I feel anxiety over being late because I hate walking in and having EVERYONE know you're late (even if they're not actually looking).  And I also feel like it's incredibly rude to show up late to something, especially mass.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, this personality of mine means that I tend to be more of a Martha than a Mary.  There are very few times that I'll sit down and just relax . . . and most times, that's only AFTER all the chores are done.  I'm typically busy doing ALL the things - laundry; dishes; cooking; shopping; work; planning; organizing; cleaning; etc. . . . you get the picture.  And more often than not, I don't really take the time I need.  I don't feel like I deserve time to myself.  Time where I can just sit and drink tea and read a book without worrying about who else is around or what else I should be doing.  Time to relax and recuperate and rejuvenate myself so that I can keep on being the duty-fulfiller.  Nine times out of ten I will choose to fulfill a duty rather than meet my own needs . . . and that tenth time?  That only happens with support from my husband and closest friends and an active fight against my ISTJ.  But I know it's necessary.  Otherwise I won't be able to fulfill my duties because I'll be a burnt-out, overly-extroverted witch.

A major source of anxiety for me is NOT being able to control all aspects of my life.  I've gotten a LOT better at being able to just let go and go with the flow . . . people in my life can largely thank my husband for that growth development.  When I was younger, my mother stopped telling me the plans because if they changed just the slightest, I'd basically have a meltdown.  When I grew up, I was meticulous about being on time and controlling my life.  That worked out well enough when I was in college since it was just me.  Not so well once I started working for people who have rather last-minute schedules and a lackadaisical approach to life.  So I had to learn how to go with the flow.  I'm nowhere near close to perfect, but I deal a lot better with last minute changes now than I did a few years ago.  Even now, our plans for the next week are completely up in the air, and I'm pretty much ok with it.

I know that life is messy, and that I can't control everything and everyone in it.  All I can control is myself, what affects me, and how I respond to people and situations.  Granted, I'm still struggling with getting rid of the anxiety - although thankfully it's only gotten really bad a few times.

Which leads me to the reason for this post.  Again, it's a quote from The Divine Intimacy.  

Jesus chided Martha, not because she gave herself to activity, but because she was too anxious about it. . . . As soon as a soul perceives that it is beginning to lose its interior calm, it should interrupt its work, if possible, at least for an instant, and retire into its interior with God. 

 21. Seeking God in Activity, The Divine Intimacy

This passage spoke so clearly to me - as I struggle this week with anxiety.  I need to go about my activity as best I can, but give all the anxiety to God.  Trust Him to handle it.  To take away the hurt and to protect me.  I know it's not easy to remember to turn to God, especially if we are not in the habit.  And believe you me, it's not been easy for myself either (still working on this one).  But the thought that even a moment's prayer to God, retiring to my interior calm with Him, can help the anxiety is comforting.  Help me, Lord, to stop and turn to You in moments of anxiety - to stop and place my worries and anxiety and frustration in Your hands and in perspective.

To all of you who may have anxiety normally, or who just get it around the holidays, pray and stay strong and faithful in the knowledge that God is watching out for you.  Merry Christmas!

Marriage Losing to the Wedding?

I'm 40 days out from my wedding, and yes, there are dozens (well, maybe A dozen) of things left to take care of before the "BIG DAY".  And yet as I sit here trying to check everything off my list, I find myself saddened by the fact that so much emphasis is placed on the WEDDING and none on the MARRIAGE that follows.

I am blessed that my Catholic faith requires extensive marriage preparation before the Church will allow us to be married.  This marriage preparation is essential to addressing and confirming that both future spouses understand the teachings of the Church, the struggles and temptations they will face in their married life, and how they can fight the good fight against the Devil.  As G. K. Chesterton so aptly put it, 

Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honour should decline.

The family is the foundation of all society, and marriage is the battleground of the family.  The Devil wants to see the world tumble around our heads, and he is cunning.  He doesn't strike the strong, stalwart defenses.  He looks for the cracks in our armor.  The wounds or chinks that leave an opening, however small, for him to slip in.  This is why couples MUST prepare for their marriage continually.  This preparation is absolutely more important than the perfect wedding.  A wedding is one day.  Yes, it is an important day since it is the day you and your future spouse stand up in front of God and your loved ones and declare your fidelity to one another.  It is the day that your souls are knit together and bound for life.  It is the beginning of your marriage, but it is only one day.  Your marriage is the rest of your life.  

If we kept things in perspective, we'd do better at preparing for marriage and not just our wedding.  And right there, that's where the devil sneaks in . . . even before you're married.  He's in your head raising questions about wedding details and stressing you out about guest lists and finances.  Anything to keep you distracted from the fact that you're getting MARRIED and to keep you from preparing your defenses so that you can have a holy and sacred marriage.  

My fiance and I have been attending our marriage preparation meetings with our priest for 6 months.  During those sessions, we've discussed various issues including birth control, the roles of the parents, discipline, children, finances, religion, economics, and so much more.  We read Casti Connubbi and are working our way through Three to Get Married by Fulton J. Sheen (there will be posts on those soon).  We have been doing a holy hour once a week together where we pray for ourselves, for each other, for our marriage preparation, and for our married life.  I cherish this time together because it continues to build the rock solid spiritual foundation that will get us through those rough times that inevitably arise since we are fallen human beings in a world constantly under attack.

As we enter our 40 days before marriage, we've mutually decided to increase our zeal and vigor in preparation for marriage during these last 6 weeks.  As the wedding preparation stress heightens, our reliance on prayer shall increase.  Prayer and preparation during this "Lenten" journey of ours will help us keep perspective on what truly matters.  In the grand scheme of life on earth and our Heavenly goal, it doesn't matter if the food doesn't taste exquisite, if the guests don't RSVP, if the flowers go flat, if the stress multiplies tenfold for no reason.

Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, and I mean in reference to Christ and the church; however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. ~ Ephesians 5:21-33

This is our guide - the battle plan for marriage.  It is the rule for our lives as husband and wife.  If we follow it faithfully, God's blessings and grace will strengthen us in our fight against the Devil.

If you are preparing for marriage yourself, or you know someone who is, I encourage you to ponder the gravity, mystery, and wonder of what you've decided to enter into.  Marriage is not a picnic.  It is not a walk in the park.  It is a struggle and a harrowing journey, and you will not emerge without being changed.  But it is a beautiful, joyous, and wonderful change.  And the struggles lighten when you place God at the center of your marriage and take His scriptures and teachings as your guide.   

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? ~ Psalms 27:1