Letting Go

It's been a crazy week.  Classes started, so I'm up to my ears in lesson plans.  Bar prep is in FULL SWING, which means at least 50 multiple choice questions every day - should be more.  And life still goes on, which means chores and laundry (my husband fixed the washer!) and teaching piano and ALL the things.  All of which to say . . . I haven't had time or energy to come up with a new post this week.  But don't worry.  I won't leave you hanging.  This is a re-post from my old blog on letting go and dealing with emotions etc.  Particularly apt for myself right now, so I thought I'd share it with you all.

There are several ways to deal with anger, frustration, sorrow and the like.  Some people retaliate with force and sweep a path of destruction.  Some people crumble to the ground and bemoan their trials.  And some people don't seem affected at all.  These last often take the most dangerous approach to trouble.  They force their emotions aside as they deal with the problem at hand rationally.  While it is extremely useful to have a level head when dealing with trials, it can also be extremely dangerous if you never release your emotions.  I've seen first hand how burying your true emotions beneath layers of sturdy masks can damage and sometimes ruin relationships with everyone around you.  If you don't deal with the entire problem, you may fall in to the trap of developing a sub-conscious grudge that will grow and grow until you can't stop it.  But I also know how hard it is for these same people to let go of their control and just allow the emotions to take their course.  So here's my advice:

1.  Keeping a strong face in the midst of trials can be a good thing, especially if you have other people leaning on you for support.  Everyone falling to pieces solves nothing.  Just be careful of how many people you try to care for.  If you are a generous and loving person, it's often hard to say no or to even realize when you should.  You have to remember that in order to help them, you must also help yourself.  If that means taking 5 minutes or 5 days away from everyone else who leans on you, then so be it.  You don't want them to become annoying ticks rather than the friends and family you truly want to help and support.

2.  When you do take time for yourself, find an outlet.  Get the emotions out so that they don't continue to build up inside your heart.  I find an outlet through my writing.  Or talking to a very close friend.  Remember that a true friendship has give and take.  You rely on each other.  Just make sure that you deal with the emotions and your own pain in a timely fashion.  If you allow it to build up for too long, you often either forget it or become too overwhelmed.

3.  Be aware that the sorrows of your past (unless dealt with properly) will probably encroach on your future.  Some trial that you pushed aside years ago may suddenly resurface with vehemence.  So please face your trials.  Don't use comforting others as an excuse to hide once more behind the mask.  You needn't face them alone.  You can always find someone to help you, even if you can't see them.

Basically, don't bury your emotions and forget about them.  Push them aside if the present case calls for it, but don't forget to pull them back in and find closure regarding whatever the issues may be.  And if you have buried issues in your past, figure out how to solve them.  Do whatever you can to ensure that your heart is no longer a potentially hazardous waiting zone for grudges and thoughts of revenge or depression.  Seek out the light, and you will find it sooner or later.

New Year . . . New You . . . Right?

It's officially the New Year 2017 . . . and that means it's time for resolutions again!  For me, New Year's resolutions always seemed like an excuse to wait until January to begin something and then forget about it by mid-February (which is why I'm thankful for Lent because that really gives me something to work on).

So this year I have a few resolutions, and they happen to coincide with the new year . . . and I suppose it'll be interesting to see how far I make it over the course of the year.  Anyway, here they are:

Faith

My Catholic faith is the cornerstone, the foundation of my entire life.  Without it, I'd be floundering with no direction.  But like all things in life, faith cannot flourish if it remains stagnate.  So one of my resolutions this year is to develop my spiritual life.  I've already started this by reading The Divine Intimacy each day, but this resolution includes adding in a daily spiritual reading with my husband and eventually a daily rosary.  

Finances

While my husband and I are currently both blessed with full-time employment, our ultimate goal is to live within one income and funnel everything else into savings . . . for children or retirement . . . basically for the future.

This resolution is to curb spending, find more ways of cutting expenses, and learning how to have fun and enjoy life WITHOUT having to spend big bucks or go out to eat.  It also involves overcoming my occasional distaste for cooking our own meals, which ends up costing us too much money as we eat out instead.

Another aspect of this resolution is to develop a supplemental income to help pay for travel and fun trips and such.  This is through my business as an Independent Thirty-One Consultant (and if anyone is interested in learning more about the company or hosting a party, let me know!)

This was definitely me this week.

Food

Sweets.  Sugar.  Portion control.  These are things that I do not deal well with.  I've gotten better at portion control as far as actual meals go, but when it comes to ice cream or chocolate . . . I'm lost.  Plus, all that sugar is bad for me . . . supposedly.  So I'm cutting out processed sugar completely to start, and probably completely for the most part.  This will also help with the Finances resolution of cutting expenses . . . no more ice cream!

Additionally, I'm going to try and work in more O-Blood type beneficial foods and cut out as many of the Avoid foods as possible.  And starches.  Starches are nasty.  They should be cut out as well . . . by and large.

Fitness

This is my last resolution . . . it's also the one that will be addressed last.  I've never been a good exerciser.  Never enjoyed it.  Never liked it.  Never found the stamina and motivation to keep up with it.  And with a job that has me up at 6am and working until 8pm (between breakfast and lunch and dinner and work-work and housework), finding time every day to exercise has seemed impossible.  I know it's not . . . but like I said, the motivation just isn't there.

My resolution is to try and incorporate some small exercise into my daily routine . . . maybe just 5-10 minutes of simple exercises in the morning.  Obviously, I'd like to be able to spend more time, especially since an O-Blood type thrives on physical exertion, but we'll see how this one goes.

And that's my list of resolutions.  Hopefully writing them down will help keep me more accountable.  Plus, it helps to have actual accountability partners - I've got an awesome friend keeping me accountable with my spiritual development and a terrific sister who's joining me in the "no processed sugar" fight this year.

Recipe Corner - Pecan Pie Cheesecake

This post is a few days late (ok almost a week) . . . But surely all will be forgiven when you see the amazing and decadent dessert I'm sharing with you today!  I've made this cheesecake twice now this week (one for each Christmas celebration we had - it's been fun experiencing our first Christmas together as a married couple and celebrating with both sides of our family.) And it's been a delicious treat to share with both families.

I found the recipe via Pinterest (check out my page for many more food pins) and ultimately used the recipe from Lil' Luna (which can be found here).  Fair warning - this cheesecake is extremely rich and decadent.  Go easy on the serving sizes.  :)

Pecan Pie Filling

The first time I made it without the crust since we're gluten-free, and I couldn't find any vanilla wafers that were also gluten-free.  Still tasted amazing.  The second time we made it with a crust, and it was still amazing.  Another change I made was substituting honey for the dark corn syrup.  I did a 1-1 ratio substitution; however, you can use the corn syrup or do another substitution.  My family decreed the pecan pie filling bottom absolutely the sweetest part of this cheesecake.

Once the pecan pie filling is made and in the pan, the next step is cheesecake (my favorite part)!  I would advise letting the pecan pie filling part cool in the fridge while you mix the cheesecake to keep the cheesecake from filling the center and pushing the pecan pie filling up the sides.

Next came the hard part - letting the cheesecake sit overnight so that we could mix up the topping and finish it the next day.  But the topping tastes and looks amazing!  And, as an added bonus, it hides any mistakes or imperfections in your cheesecake top!  I do recommend, however, baking your cheesecake in a water bath.  This helps prevent cracking.  But also wrap the bottom of your cheesecake pan with tinfoil to avoid getting water inside.

And voila!  You've got an amazing and decadent dessert perfect for any special occasion!  As an added bonus, I used my leftover heavy whipping cream to make my own whipped cream - 1 c. whipping cream + 2 tbsp. sugar/honey + 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract.

What do you think?  What's your favorite dessert?  

Activity Without Anxiety

Anxiety is a big part of my life - even if it doesn't look like that to most people.  I'm pretty good at hiding it from the world.  But those closet to me - my husband and dear friends - they know.  They know about the pains in my chest when the anxiety mounts too high.  They know about my unfortunate tendency to always see the worst possible outcome, and allow that to affect my daily life.  Granted, I deal with the anxiety fairly well most of the time - which is probably why most people would be surprised to hear that I deal with so much of it.

Introvert - Sensing - Thinking - Judgment

I'm a type-A person with an ISTJ personality - which means that I want to fulfill my duty to EVERYONE and that work comes before pleasure and that ALL things must be done well or else I have failed.  And most other people look at that and go "It's JUST the cupboard.  It doesn't have to be meticulous."  Or "We're only a few minutes late - it's no big deal."  For me, being late is a HUGE deal.  I feel anxiety over being late because I hate walking in and having EVERYONE know you're late (even if they're not actually looking).  And I also feel like it's incredibly rude to show up late to something, especially mass.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, this personality of mine means that I tend to be more of a Martha than a Mary.  There are very few times that I'll sit down and just relax . . . and most times, that's only AFTER all the chores are done.  I'm typically busy doing ALL the things - laundry; dishes; cooking; shopping; work; planning; organizing; cleaning; etc. . . . you get the picture.  And more often than not, I don't really take the time I need.  I don't feel like I deserve time to myself.  Time where I can just sit and drink tea and read a book without worrying about who else is around or what else I should be doing.  Time to relax and recuperate and rejuvenate myself so that I can keep on being the duty-fulfiller.  Nine times out of ten I will choose to fulfill a duty rather than meet my own needs . . . and that tenth time?  That only happens with support from my husband and closest friends and an active fight against my ISTJ.  But I know it's necessary.  Otherwise I won't be able to fulfill my duties because I'll be a burnt-out, overly-extroverted witch.

A major source of anxiety for me is NOT being able to control all aspects of my life.  I've gotten a LOT better at being able to just let go and go with the flow . . . people in my life can largely thank my husband for that growth development.  When I was younger, my mother stopped telling me the plans because if they changed just the slightest, I'd basically have a meltdown.  When I grew up, I was meticulous about being on time and controlling my life.  That worked out well enough when I was in college since it was just me.  Not so well once I started working for people who have rather last-minute schedules and a lackadaisical approach to life.  So I had to learn how to go with the flow.  I'm nowhere near close to perfect, but I deal a lot better with last minute changes now than I did a few years ago.  Even now, our plans for the next week are completely up in the air, and I'm pretty much ok with it.

I know that life is messy, and that I can't control everything and everyone in it.  All I can control is myself, what affects me, and how I respond to people and situations.  Granted, I'm still struggling with getting rid of the anxiety - although thankfully it's only gotten really bad a few times.

Which leads me to the reason for this post.  Again, it's a quote from The Divine Intimacy.  

Jesus chided Martha, not because she gave herself to activity, but because she was too anxious about it. . . . As soon as a soul perceives that it is beginning to lose its interior calm, it should interrupt its work, if possible, at least for an instant, and retire into its interior with God. 

 21. Seeking God in Activity, The Divine Intimacy

This passage spoke so clearly to me - as I struggle this week with anxiety.  I need to go about my activity as best I can, but give all the anxiety to God.  Trust Him to handle it.  To take away the hurt and to protect me.  I know it's not easy to remember to turn to God, especially if we are not in the habit.  And believe you me, it's not been easy for myself either (still working on this one).  But the thought that even a moment's prayer to God, retiring to my interior calm with Him, can help the anxiety is comforting.  Help me, Lord, to stop and turn to You in moments of anxiety - to stop and place my worries and anxiety and frustration in Your hands and in perspective.

To all of you who may have anxiety normally, or who just get it around the holidays, pray and stay strong and faithful in the knowledge that God is watching out for you.  Merry Christmas!

Long Time Coming

We don't always know (make that most times) what God has in store for us or where His path is leading us.  And that's ok.  As long as we're listening for His direction, and aren't too stubborn about taking it, we'll be fine.

As some of you may know, my path to and through law school was not exactly typical.  Never in my life did I think I wanted to be an attorney.  I know my vocation is as a wife and eventually a mother.  I never would have considered law school if it weren't for my father, who continually told me throughout my last years of college that I would make a great attorney - something about having the right type of brain for it.  And still I disagreed.  

But he persisted.  Finally, I agreed to take the LSAT, with the stipulation that if God gave me a good grade on the test, I'd APPLY to law school.  Three weeks of "studying" (read: went through the Princeton Review book once), and I sat for the LSAT.  It was a novel experience . . . being practically the only person there who literally did not care how the test results came out.  It was quite refreshing, actually, to be able to just take the test, do my best, and leave the rest up to God.  A few weeks later, I got my results . . . pretty high score.  So I begrudgingly applied to law school, this time with the stipulation that if God wanted me in law school, He was going to have to figure out how to pay for it.  Looking back, it seems pretty arrogant of me to make those stipulations.

I applied to four law schools, including Ave Maria School of Law (AMSL), and within three weeks, I'd received my acceptance into AMSL along with a full academic scholarship and a stipend for the first year's expenses.  As I read the email acceptance, I got an overwhelming sense that THIS was my next step.  So I packed my bags and moved to FL.

And I hated law school.  Occasionally, I enjoyed one or two of the classes.  But by and large, I hated it.  I don't have a high tolerance threshold for stupid people making stupid mistakes and winding up in case books. I was going to quit after the first semester.  Especially because I was miserable, bored, and lonely . . . I did all the homework in 1/3 of the time it took everyone else . . . and watched a LOT of Netflix.  

My friends and parents convinced me to at least finish out the year, and I got to work at the library my second semester.  That job is the main reason I finished law school.  That job got me through the days and weeks of boring cases and painful studying.  And I learned a lot in law school.  I'm an introvert at heart, and I've never been comfortable around groups of people or with public speaking.  The Socratic method in class and my job at the library changed that . . . for the better.  I've definitely grown as a person on this path.  And I met my husband at AMSL, so that was a HUGE bonus to law school.  :)

After law school comes the bar exam.  And for the vast majority of law school, I was adamant that I was NOT taking the exam.  Even while in law school, I knew I wasn't going to practice law, so the thought of torturing myself with months of intensive study and saddling myself with thousands more dollars of expenses just to take a test I wasn't ever going to use seemed futile.  Eventually, however, I cracked.  The pressure from practically everyone in my life to take it and really finish the law school experience got to be too much, so I broke down, signed up, studied hard, and took the ridiculously difficult exam.

Three exhausting months later, we got our results.  In Florida, you need a 136 scaled score to pass, which means they take your score on the Florida portion and your score on the Multi-State portion and average them out.  Me?  I got a 136 on Florida and a 135 on the MBE . . . scaling down to a 135.5.  I failed the exam by 1/2 a point.  Everyone I know was shocked, especially since I did so well in school.  I had the scores rechecked, but the same result.  And I was so grateful.  I took that score as a sign from God that I didn't HAVE to be a lawyer.  That I didn't HAVE to practice law or continue down that path.  And it was a giant relief.  

Now, over a year later, I'm signed up to retake the MBE.  I didn't want to at first.  At first, when everyone was asking if I was going to retake it, the very thought of opening an outline or working on multiple choice questions made me nauseous.  And I couldn't afford it.  And I wasn't planning on practicing.  And I didn't need the license.  I had completed the law school experience, thank you very much, and now it was time for everyone to back off and leave me alone.  It's insanely difficult to convince your professors and your boss that you just don't want to retake the exam.  Thankfully, my family and closest friends and my husband (then boyfriend/fiance) didn't pressure me.  For which I am eternally grateful.  It's hard to work in a law school where you're surrounded by people continually asking you why you're not retaking the exam.  I knew I was smart enough.  I just didn't want to.  And the reason I failed?  (A) I read too fast and skipped words in the questions.  (B) My heart wasn't in it.

As the months passed, however, I grew to despise the thought less and less.  I found out that I only had to retake the MBE since I passed the FL portion.  And I made the decision to retake the MBE because I wanted to . . . not because I was guilted into it.  Because I wanted to have the license in case I needed to help my husband with his practice, or my family with something.  Or who knows.  I don't know what God has in store for me now.  But my life has settled down enough now that I'm married that I can take the time to study without stressing myself out.  And I can go in with the attitude that I did with the LSAT . . . I'm going to give it my honest best, but the results are up to God.

If you made it this far, you're probably wondering what the point of this post is.  Honestly, I don't know.  Maybe a means of justifying myself to my peers.  Maybe making sure that I know and remember how God has led me this far.  Maybe reaffirming my decision to retake the MBE.  All I know for certain is that God's done a good job with my life so far, and I know He'll lead me where He wants me to go.  All I have to do is make sure I'm ready . . . so wherever He sends me next, I'll be prepared.

Pursuing Sanctity

A dear friend of mine recommended that I attempt the Divine Intimacy this year, a fitting resolution that began on the First Sunday of Advent, the beginning of the new year for the Church.  My friend and I are tackling this journey together, giving each other moral support and motivation to keep going.  And we're tracking our thoughts, meditations, and reflections on each day's reading so as to gain more knowledge and understanding from the work.  I'm sure many of my future posts will incorporate aspects of this journey as I continue throughout the year.

He who does not possess charity, does not possess sanctifying grace either, because they are absolutely inseparable.  ~ The Divine Intimacy, 4. Charity the Essence of Sanctity

If God is love, and sanctity stems from that, it surely follows that we must practice love like God's to achieve sanctity.  And not just the lovey-dovey, mushy feeling of love.  I'm talking about the love that sacrifices for the good of the other.  The love that does what is best for the other, even if the other doesn't want quite what they get.  Love is keeping a person from burning themselves even if they want to run into the fire.

Desire and love are not necessarily the same thing.  And love can be distorted.  We pursue that which we think good.  We love that which we think good.  But our perception of the good can become distorted by the world around us and by the Evil One's attempts to ruin our souls for himself.  This is why we have to follow God's example of love, for He IS love itself.  If we take Him for our guide, how can we fail to pursue that which is truly good and to express that which is truly love? 

As we move speedily through this Advent season, I challenge you to take time each day in meditation and devotion with our Lord.  He dwells within each of us, waiting for us to listen to His voice.  We have only to seek Him faithfully.

Pondering God

Cliffs of Moher, Co. Clare, Ireland

Our honeymoon in Ireland was absolutely amazing and breathtaking.  Every sight we saw filled the senses with wonder and joy.  This trip gave me the most wonderful opportunity to ponder God's love and beauty, something I forget to do amidst the hustle and bustle of a daily routine.

Irish Countryside, Co. Sligo, Ireland

In today's world, we live often in a state of fear (or in a bubble ignoring the fears that surround us.)  It can be difficult to find joy or happiness in the midst of consumerism, apathy, and a general disgruntledness.  Which is why we need to take a step back and remember Who is really in charge and Where we are ultimately headed.  And for me, there is often no better reminder than taking the opportunity to wonder at God's creation.

Glenveagh National Park, Co. Donegal, Ireland

My trip to Ireland was a dream come true.  The weather was absolutely perfect (chilly but clear skies), which is uncommon this time of year.  That gave us the opportunity to truly witness the natural beauties that Ireland's rich landscape has to offer.  And I was surprised at the variance in the landscape.  The traditional view of Ireland is that of green hills stretching for miles.  And a large part of Ireland is like that.  But we also explored the north-west corner of Ireland and discovered a more wild and untamed, rocky beauty there.

Knock Cemetery, Knock, Co. Mayo, Ireland

We visited numerous ruins and old churches and cemeteries, another reminder of the length of the Church's existence and the fact that the cycle of life and death has gone on and will continue on for centuries to come.  A sober reminder that we're not meant for this world, but for the next.  And while God has given us the grace and Divine assistance needed to join him in Heaven, it is up to us to accept His offer.

View from Queen Maeve's Cairn, Knocknarea, Co. Sligo, Ireland

As we begin our Advent journey, we look towards Christmas and ponder our lives.  Are we truly worthy of the coming of Christ?  How can we prepare for the Infant birth?  How can we grow in sanctity?  How can we draw closer to Our Lord and place our lives in His hands, to lead us where He wants us to go?  I pray for guidance and understanding, for myself and for all of you.  May your Advent be one of prayer, contemplation, and joy-filled discovery of the plans God has for your life.

View of Glenveagh Castle, Glenveagh National Park, Co. Donegal, Ireland

Glenveagh National Park, Co. Donegal, Ireland