Talking Back - Jest to Pest

Every child slips up and answers back when told to do something.  Harmless at first as a mere joke or playful banter, answering back quickly becomes a serious and dangerous habit.  Whether it consists of stuck-out tongues, battering with pillows, or verbal responses, talking back is a habit better not formed.  If a child begins in fun, they develop the habit quickly until answering back becomes second nature.  Regardless of their excuse of "I was only joking," answering back evolves into a highly disrespectful attitude.  This character flaw escalates until every time an adult asks/tells the child to do something, an unnecessary and disrespectful reply comes back.  

How does it come about?  As I said before, most often a severe case of "talking back" evolves from jesting responses when a child doesn't really want to do something, but they're going to do it anyways.  These comments include: "I'm not going to."  "You can't make me."  "I don't care."  "I don't want to."  Etc.  I could list numerous counts of talking back, but I don't want to bore y'all.  

When is it addressed?  Occasionally a child has a genuine slip of the tongue and something pops out that they honestly didn't mean to say.  It happens to everyone.  If your child slips up only once or twice, don't worry too much about a bad habit being formed.  If, on the other hand, your child begins retorting to your every instruction, you need to take action immediately.

I prefer the liquid soap.  It's harder to get the taste out of your mouth.

How is it stopped?  First, the child needs to understand what talking back entails.  Basically, the only correct response to a parent/authority figure's request, instruction, or command is "Yes, ma'am/sir/mom/dad."  There should be no complaints or excuses.  No smart aleck retorts.  No rolled eyes or stuck-out tongues.  No nasty tone of voice.  A simple YES.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Implementing this response early on reaps huge rewards.  It becomes harder to institute the older a child gets unless begun at an early age.  Nevertheless, it should be implemented immediately.  Next, now that the child understands what talking back means, punishment for disrespectful behavior must ensue.  A favorite method of mine is washing out the child's mouth with soap.  It's fast and disgusting to taste.  Most kids will think twice before talking back if they know a nasty taste will enter their mouth.  I understand this method is not for everyone.  I've heard the rants against toxins and cruelty towards children, etc.  Buy some organic soap and put it to good use.  If this really doesn't work for your family, find some other means of distasteful punishment.  There are numerous mixtures that are perfectly harmless and perfectly disgusting.  Vinegar.  Salt water.  Mouthwash.  Make them gargle one of these, and the talking back should diminish after a few tries.  I've always abhorred the taste of any of the aforementioned liquids, and I know kids detest them.  Regardless of your particular method, let the punishment fit the crime.  Since talking back is a sin of the mouth, the punishment should wash it clean (ergo my high approval of actual soap).  


Talking back is an easy habit to pick up and a hard one to stop.  If it runs rampant and unchecked, your child will (most likely) grow up into a sarcastic person with no respect whatsoever for authority of any kind.  And we all know that an attitude of this kind will never help them succeed in the real world.  Deal with the problem now, regardless of the trouble you will inevitably have.  You'll thank yourself and bless your children tenfold at least.

It's All In The Presentation

Everyone knows a child's fear of the unknown, from the little to the large.  A severe break from the established norm can bring unprecedented terror unless properly introduced.  Telling an only child that they won't be the center of attention anymore after the baby is born can be a traumatic experience, especially if the child is relatively young.  That is unless you make the impending change an exciting and highly desirable event for the child.  The fact that they'll have a new friend to play with cancels out any (or at least most) of the potential fear of losing Mommy to the new kid.

Likewise, introducing new concepts and ideas that differ from what the child already knows can be a battle.  Most people learn something one way and find it very difficult to accept a different method of understanding it.  Kids are no different.  When presented with something new, they either deny its existence or simply state, "It's too hard."  This becomes their excuse for everything new that they're nervous about trying, whether it's new math concepts or writing fifteen words instead of ten.  Getting a kid to accept two simple facts can be challenging.  These facts are: a) You can do this.  b) You're smart enough to learn how.  I discovered today something I've known for a while - presentation really helps.

Case in Point:  Today, I was teaching the 3rd grader 4-digit dividing.  Scary concept to go from three numbers to four in the dividend.  But, knowing this particular child's general aversion to math, I started out by simply saying what we were going to learn and then interjecting "Don't freak out!" in an upbeat, happy voice.  Sure, the child looked at me like I was crazy, but she was laughing as I began explaining the concept rather than crying over the frustration of a "new" idea.  And you know what, she learned it!  


So how does this apply to everyday life?  In too many ways to even begin counting.  Kids have new experiences all the time.  They go to clubs.  They play sports.  They do schoolwork.  They learn how to read.  They make new friends.  They go to new places.  And to all of these things, at one time or another, every child will feel a little apprehension at starting something new.  Something different.  So introduce the latest change with style and fun.  If your little boy or girl is heading off to choir for the first time, reassure them of at least two things: a) how much fun they'll have and b) how much you love them and can't wait to hear all about it.  It always helps (in my opinion) to throw in the "If you really hate it, you don't have to go again."


Most kids don't know what they'll like until they try it, but their fear of the unknown keeps them from branching out.  So parents have to "force" their kids to try new things.  Believe me, it's good for them.  My mother (whom I love dearly) is the queen of making us try new things.  I was a very willful child, and I never wanted to do anything she suggested.  Finally, she just made me go, and I loved every single thing - tennis; softball; swimming; ice skating; volleyball; cotillion; choir.  And as I look back over those years growing up, I thank God that my mom did what was best for me rather than giving in to my whimpering complaints.

Of course, in my case, sugarcoating the new experience didn't really help, although sometimes it nudged me towards lessening the complaints.  But for 9 out of 10 children, emphasizing the good time they'll have and the fun things they'll learn works wonders.  Plus, you can always remind them that you're their mother, and you would never make them do something just because you wanted to make them feel miserable.  If you're excited about whatever changes and new things they're experiencing, chances are that they'll be excited too.  And maybe, just maybe, they'll start to realize that different and new things are good and can be loads of fun.  If you succeed in that, your battles for trombone lessons or baseball practice will probably lessen enormously (although if the kid doesn't like the trombone, find him a different instrument).  Just remember, don't freak out.  Show your kids that they have nothing to fear from the unknown, whether small or large.

Post-Holiday Trauma

Holiday.  The very word brings about numerous emotions and memories.  Hopefully, relaxation and a break from the everyday life are among the slightly more "stressful" of these thoughts.  Although, in the end, only the happy and joyful memories are the ones that stand the test of time.  Vacations and holiday celebrations give us a welcome respite from the humdrum day-to-day life.  If only the return to reality were not accompanied by the inevitable post-celebration shock.

While I love having a break from my work with children, coming back after a break, however brief, is never a piece of cake.  Well, if it's a piece of cake, it's a 10-layer marzipan masterpiece with chocolate flowers and tiny rosebuds.  Inevitably children consume too much sugar and not enough exercise over the course of a holiday.  Combine this with a lapse in the daily routine, and you create a recipe for potential disastrous effects.  No child willingly returns to their schoolwork and chores routine without a fight after they've experienced the freedom of festivity.  


How do you combat this reluctant tendency?  There are several methods, some more drastic than others.  If you have a large family, I'm sure the thought of ditching holidays altogether has crossed your mind at least once.  Surely the joyous occasion cannot outweigh the forthcoming disruptive and disobedient behavior of your children.  Do not despair!  Believe me, even if the kids transform into sugar terrors for a few days, the relative stress-less vacation and respite of the holiday is worth every peaceful second.  There are several less drastic options available.

1.  Pre-empt the sugar crash.  Everyone knows that kids love sugar - cakes, cookies, candy.  Every parent knows that an overload of sugar results in a burst of energy followed by a crash of behavior.  So why do we let the kids overdose anyways?  Because deep down, beneath all our firm resolution, we're suckers for the puppy dog eyes and the "pretty pretty please with a cherry on top" that kids know how to use so well.  Do yourself and your children a favor.  Steel your resolve.  I'm not advising cutting out the sugar completely.  It's a celebration, i.e. celebrate!  Let them have sweets.  Just make sure that you monitor it.  Don't let them simply eat candy all day.  Make sure they still get their fruits and vegetables.  And lots, and lots, and lots of exercise.  Burn off all that sugar energy.

2.  Remind yourself ahead of time.  You've most likely gone through several holidays with kids - either yours or as a child yourself.  You know the general cycle of events.  Dealing with post-holiday tantrums becomes a bit easier when you remember they're coming ahead of time.  You can prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for little Susie's tears and Sammy's disobedience before it happens.  If you keep in mind that some of this behavior may be caused by their recent relative freedom, you can be more understanding.  Not more lenient.  Just because they had a break does not mean they get to disrespect you and fool around.  But remembering the recent festivities can help tone down your surprise and aggravation with their present behavior.

3.  Experiment.  Try and figure out a good way to get back into your family routine with as little trauma as possible.  Some families find it easiest to simply plunge right back in without a second thought.  Others choose to ease into the normal schedule slowly, adding a few things each day.  Both methods offer genuine suggestions, but only you can truly decide what is best for your family.  If your kids don't adapt to change well, perhaps easing in and out of a holiday vs. stop-start-stop will work best.  On the other hand, if your kids can handle a complete break followed by a complete start-up, begin with a normal week immediately following your holiday celebrations.  Don't give up.  If at first you don't succeed, try again.  Keep working out the kinks until you find the perfect blend for your family.


It has been my experience that the first few days following a break of any type generally consist of shakiness and rebellion.  Unfortunately, this is more prevalent when the teacher (as in my case) has been absent for several days.  The previous authority is slightly undermined by the absence, and a few steps backwards are painfully taken.  When dealing with your own children, therefore, it should be relatively easy (in a manner of speaking) to discipline misdemeanors.  Your children still respect your authority completely and are aware of concrete consequences.  Whether they choose to be obedient or rebellious is an entirely different topic, but they are aware of the authority.  

All in all, holidays are wonderful things, although they should be taken with a grain of salt.  Don't lose yourself (and your family) in the festivities only to find a very nasty Monday morning waiting on the other side.  Enjoy the time of relaxation and pleasure in moderation.  At the end of the day, moderation is the key word.  In all things, moderation.  If you apply that to your life and that of your family, you'll be innumerable steps ahead of the world at large which will remain fumbling and stumbling along wondering why there are so many selfish, rebellious and disobedient children around as they continue to overdose on the sugar and instant gratification.  Good luck!

Giving Thanks

On this Thanksgiving Day I'd like to take a moment to thank God for many things in my life.


My father.  He shows me how to work hard and patiently.  He inspires me to be a better person.
My mother.  She shows me how to live a good life.  Her words of advice constantly help me throughout the day.
My sisters.  They bless me every day with their unconditional love.
My friends.  Without them, I would not be who I am today.  And that's a good thing.  I can't count the number of times I've been pulled out of a dark hole by the light of true friendship.
My family.  Family is everything.  They stand by you and create an unbreakable bond.
My life.  God has blessed me innumerably.  I thank Him every day for all the times He has guided me through tough spots and granted unexpected rewards.
My imagination.  The ability to create has been, at various times, a comfort, a distraction, and informative.


I could continue, but right now, I am going to go enjoy the gifts I have been given rather than write more about them.  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  

A Vivid Imagination

Have you ever listened to a young child of three or five years narrate a story to accompany a series of drawings they have created?  I am still amazed at the creativity and imagination such young kids possess.  I heard three stories today, and each one was very original in its own way.  I could detect throughout the tales, however, the influence of fairy tales and stories that the children have heard in their short lives.  Characters who transform into various people; girls named after famous story people; happily ever after endings.  All of these combine within the young mind to create a tale of enchanting beauty and simplicity.  And one where the attentive listener can share precious moments with a child who is excited to create and express the workings of their own imagination.


Imagination is a key ingredient in our aspirations for something higher.  Without it, life becomes drab and sometimes unbearable.  In moments of great despair and despondency, a keen imagination can create a silver lining and golden rope to pull us out of our doldrums.  As we grow older, imagination and faith begin to intertwine.  There is so much in our world that seems impossible or unattainable.  So much requires simple faith in God's higher plan and goodness.  Sometimes such a childlike belief is too hard to manage alone in a world that seems so divided and dark.  Combining trust in God with the imaginings of the better things to come often serves as an antidote to worldly despair.  


Because the imagination is so significant in life, developing it within your children is an incredibly important task.  Children are very susceptible to their surroundings and experiences.  Giving your child quality stories and other means of activity help cultivate an inquisitive and intelligent mind whereas simply turning on the sub-par Saturday cartoons has much less effect, and certainly not a great one at that.  As your children grow, tell them the stories that matter.  Show them the lives of the saints.  Read them the fairy tales of good and evil.  Share with them the tales of bravery and friendship.  Above all, feed their hunger for something of intrinsic value.  The love of truth and virtue grows with the experience and understanding of these great gifts.  

Encourage your children to be creative.  Give them your full attention when they ask to share their latest scribbled story with you.  Support them in worthwhile endeavors of artistic attempts.  You never know what your children will be when they grow up.  The only thing that is certain is that their childhood will undoubtedly influence their adult years.  If you raise your children to be lovers of wisdom and seekers of truth, they will be several steps ahead of the rest of the world.  A keen imagination helps them to see what others cannot and to accept the seemingly unbelievable in the glorious world about us.  Above all, imagination provides a stepping stone to knowledge of the rarities of life and the truth of God's love.

What Makes It All Worthwhile

A short post today since I'm getting over the sniffles, but I just wanted to write briefly on the joys of kids.


Here's an example:
Today, one of the babies that I work with was in her mother's arms, just waking up from a nap, and she literally leaned far out of her mom's arms, reaching for me.  It was so adorable!  The fact that a person so small would have that much trust in a person outside her family is very touching.


In the midst of strained nerves and disobedient students, moments like the one I described make every stressful minute worthwhile.  Every frustration and set-back is relieved by the love of an innocent and completely dependent child.  It is moments like these that remind me of where the seemingly destructive hooligans came from, and who they can be.  Treasure these precious memories, and when life seems dark and dreary, pull out a happy time and regain strength and hope.

The Importance of Extra Curricular . . . or not?

When you home-school your children, you have to do it all.  Not only are you the mother and the regular teacher, but you have to make sure that your kids get their fair share of extra curricular activities.  Music, sports, dance, art, and so much more falls on your plate.  If you want your children to receive all this training and experience, you have to provide it or provide a means to attaining it.  When there’s just one or two kids involved, the steady stream of driving to this event and carpooling to the next isn’t so taxing.  When you’ve got several kids, however, and they each are doing different activities, the strain on your mental and physical capacities increases sometimes astronomically.  The question then becomes what is more important?  Their extra curriculars or your sanity?

Every mother takes on the role of Superwoman, but no woman is quite equal to the task.  Being mortal, we have limits.  Yes, even moms have a stopping point.  The trouble is that too often a mom doesn’t realize her boiling point until it is too late.  She piles on one activity after another for her kids, all in their best interests, until she finds herself spread too thin.  She becomes increasingly worn down and exhausted until something snaps, and all the activities disappear because she just can’t handle it anymore.  No mother wants to end up with this problem, but avoiding it does take some self-knowledge and a careful balancing act.

So you don’t want to pull your hair out, but you do want your kids to get out.  After all, we want to avoid the home-school stereotype of introverted, sheltered and unsocialized kids.  There are a few tricks to this trade that I have picked up from my mom and other home-schooling mothers I know.  If these are followed, your stress level will decrease and the happiness level will increase.

1.  Know your limits.  Before you can even begin to sign-up for events and activities, you have to know your personal limits.  How many nights a week can you commit to on a regular basis?  How much time can you afford to spend running kids places?  How much time will your daily schoolwork take?  Is there any way to share the trips with other parents?  Can your husband help with some of the drop-off/pick-ups?  Once you have answers to some (preferably all) of these questions, you can begin to understand your limits.  

2.  Choose the best activity.  Now that you know how much time you can devote to extra curricular events, figure out which one(s) best suit your children and what you want them to learn.  If music and the arts are important, place those at the top of the list.  If sports and physical activity rank higher, keep that in mind.  Oftentimes, asking your child what they are interested in pursuing can help guide your decision, although you do have the last say.  Sometimes a child does not want to have music lessons, but it is a good experience for them.  Likewise, many kids may oppose joining a sports team of any kind, but that experience is also exceptional.  Let your kids help decide, but keep in mind that you’re the adult.

3.  Overlap events.  If you have several children, sometimes you can find a way to place several kids in the same extra curricular program.  My sisters all take music lessons through the Home School Music Association.  All the children meet during the same block of time once a week.  The same overlapping can be done sometimes with sports teams or lessons.  Another trick of overlapping is finding friends who also have their kids in the same activity.  Try to carpool rides.  This cuts down on each parent’s driving time and eases the stress enormously.

4.  Learn at home.  Sometimes a child shows a keen interest in something, such as music, but you just can’t afford the time or the stress or the tuition to get them lessons.  Don’t despair, though, if you can’t get little Sammy or Sue their piano lessons.  If a child is interested enough, they have the drive to pursue it themselves.  Sometimes you just have to provide the tapes or books and leave the rest to the child.  I taught myself to play piano because I wanted to learn.  Eventually I had lessons for a few years, but the majority of my “lessons” came from my own determination.  I’m not claiming that your kids will become experts by themselves, but they will learn if they try.  And who knows, maybe one day they’ll put so much effort into whatever they’re learning that they will become the expert.

Given all of the above, the one thing you really need to keep in mind is balance.  Juggling kids and school and activities and life is tough.  Striking the perfect balance is doable with hard work, so don’t give up.  Make adjustments as the years go by.  Sometimes you may be able to do more than other times.  Just keep in mind that the mother is the heart of the home.  If the heart fails, the entire household crumbles.  Keep the heart in good condition, and you will never regret it.