"Why does Tommy get a cookie? I want a cookie!" This is a common approach of demand for children. One or other of their siblings or friends got something. Rather than simply asking for the same thing, kids tend to justify their demands by pulling the "fairness" card, i.e. if Tommy gets a cookie, then I should get one too. This phrase of request can lead to numerous problems: a) endless nagging from the "deprived" child until you can't take it anymore; b) instant gratification instead of patience; c) a lack in polite behavior; d) a frustrated parent struggling to explain why Tommy got a cookie and Anita didn't; e) a series of coaxing efforts to stop Anita's ensuing tantrum when told she cannot have a cookie just because Tommy has one.
Before examining each of these detrimental effects, let's look at the potential reasoning behind the child's phraseology in the first place. As children, kids tend to have a purer sense of black and white justice or fairness. If Tommy gets a cookie, so should Anita. When this doesn't happen, Anita feels cheated of what she believes is rightfully hers. Of course, there may be intertwined with the justice a simple want for whatever is at stake, such as the cookie. Most kids seem to think that combining their request/demand with a "Tommy has one" phrase will get them what they want. Such should not be the case.
A. Endless Nagging. When a child hears "No," they tend to question "Why?" oftentimes repeatedly especially if they are rather young. (Of course, if you've taught your children that "no means no," you shouldn't have this particular problem.) Children who question your reasoning tend to do so with whining, complaining and constantly dragging in the "but Tommy has one" in that annoying voice all kids seem to have. Do not give in to their relentless stream of questioning as this will simply lead to more and more frequent questioning. If they doubt your authority in the matter, proceed to the established method of discipline in your family. Just because they ask more than once does not mean the answer will change.
B. Instant vs. Patience. If you simply bow to your child's demands instead of making them wait, they may develop a character of instant gratification. By teaching your children to wait patiently rather than receiving upon demand, you help train their character. This also leads into Point C: Polite Behavior.
C. Polite Behavior. By showing your children how to simply ask for what they want rather than trying to justify it, you teach them a very important lesson. Ask and you shall receive. They don't need to bring into the picture that Tommy has a cookie. They simply need to ask for a cookie. If they do so without complaining or demanding, they will generally receive what they ask for.
D. Frustrated. No parent likes putting up with a whining child. Trying to come up with an explanation for why Tommy has a cookie and Anita does not can be exasperating. The best answer is 3-fold: a) The fact that Tommy has a cookie has nothing to do with whether Anita can have a cookie; b) complaints will not result in receiving the desired object; c) when a parent says no, the answer is no.
E. Coaxing. Some parents will resort to bribing the complaining child with promises of other treats. This is not the correct approach. Rather, life isn't fair. At least not in the moment. Children can have things special from their siblings. Just because Tommy got a cookie does not mean Anita will get one.
Ultimately, try to teach your kids two things. First, that whether or not someone else has the cookie, it will not help them get a cookie themselves. They just need to ask. Second, (and this is in many ways more important), teach your kids to be happy for someone else's good fortune. If Tommy has a cookie, rather than Anita demanding a cookie herself, she could be happy that Tommy has a treat. Good luck instructing your kids with these characteristics. It takes time and effort, but the final effect is worthwhile.
The favorite word in almost any child's vocabulary is the all-inquisitive "why?" Why is the sky blue? Why do I have to eat broccoli? Why can't I stay up late? Why? Why? Why? All of these questions present varying degrees of difficulty based on your knowledge-base or your authority. I would like to deal specifically with questions wondering why you do/don't want your child to do something.
Most kids question their parents' authority and/or motives or reasoning behind parental decisions such as bedtime, game privileges, clothes, etc. The parental dilemma revolves around what kind of answer (if any) the child's question requires. Should the child receive a detailed explanation as to your logical reasoning behind selecting 8 p.m. as their bedtime? Or should the child simply be reminded of your authority by hearing "Because I said so"? Someone once told me about a book or article that discusses explanations for kids based on their age. Unfortunately I don't remember all of it exactly, but I agree with the basic principles I do remember.
Ages 0-6 years: At this stage in a child's life, discipline without question is highly necessary. These are some of the most formative years, and the respect for a parent's decision regardless of the child's feelings about said decision is crucial to a successful raising of the child. Explanation behind why the child is to stop hitting their brother or to go to bed now is not necessary. Rather, it often detracts from the commanding emphasis of tone. Furthermore, trying to explain to a four-year-old child why they can't stay up until all hours is both frustrating and futile. Therefore, at this age, keep to a simple "because I said so" and save yourself a lot of bubbling tempers.
Ages 7-12 years: 7 is the age of reason (although arguably it begins much earlier). Regardless, 7 is the age when kids become morally responsible for their actions and any consequences. (This does not mean that discipline and punishment before age 7 is unnecessary. Rather, it is more so because an obedient character should be firmly in place as the child grows older.) At this stage in a child's life, they have a better understanding of right and wrong, dos and don'ts, yes and no. This doesn't meant that they are necessarily entitled to a descriptive explanation behind your decisions, but they can be trusted with a brief statement outlining your actions. As your child grows older, you can treat them more as an adult (although most definitely still a child). As they mature, giving them brief explanations oftentimes helps them understand further the reasoning behind obeying your word. They should still obey you pleasantly, but they can validly question why they have to go to bed so early and expect to receive a short reason rather than simply "because I said so."
Ages 13-18 years: Finally, as your children enter into their teenage years, the more difficult questions begin. Why can't I go out with him? Why can't I see that movie? Why can't I drive out there? At this point in their lives, your children should have a good mind developed due to your training and their schooling. This means that they will be able to understand your reasoning, if they apply their own rationality to the answers. At this age, a more detailed explanation behind your reasoning often grants more weight to your decision than a simple "because I said so." The teenage years are often the most rebellious, and your child is apt to be more prone towards flagrant disobedience if all they hear is "No" and "because I said so" in answer to their ever more frequent questions. They are young adults and deserve the proper response due to them. While still respecting your authority, you can discuss your decisions regarding your teenager's privileges etc. If you treat them like an adult and NOT as a little child, you will get a far better response than the ranting and raving that often ensues between the strong-willed parent and child. If you treat them as an adult, they are more likely to respond as an adult rather than a complaining child.
Beyond the age of 18, your child is an adult. They are no longer legally bound to do as you say, although one would hope that they would still respect your authority and pay heed to your sage advice. Furthermore, if they continue to abide under your roof, you have every right to set some ground rules for them to follow. You cannot necessarily dictate what they do and who they see, but you can still maintain control of what goes on within your own home. Regardless of where your child is at the precipice of adulthood, keep in mind that (hopefully) you have done all you can to raise your child properly. It is now up to them to act on or disregard the sound moral principles you have ingrained within their character. Please, continue to offer advice and counsel, but don't expect your child to always heed your words or take everything you say to heart. Remember that they have their own minds and ideas about how to live their lives. Oftentimes, their ideas are just as good as yours, simply different. Let them make their own mistakes, but be there when they ask for help. Believe me, your child will realize (sooner or later) how much they cherish your wisdom and comfort.
Therefore, the answer to the question "Why" varies depending on the child, their age, and the pertinence of the actual question. The answer of "because I said so" can be used at any age and should be followed without question based on your authority and your child's obedience. Further explanation concerning your parental decisions can be introduced as you see fit, preferably once the child is a bit older. These explanations will, most likely, become more frequent once your child hits their adolescent years. Remember, maintaining a good relationship with your child is crucial. They must respect your authority, but at the same time, you should treat them according to their age. Don't talk to your 16 year-old like she was 3 years old. And don't explain to your 5 year-old like she was 17 years old. Keep in mind balance and moderation. And good luck!
